I haven’t given up in a bad way. Today has been sufficiently difficult though. I have had out pours of emotion and fears. I don’t feel like my mum and dad are here. I know its my problem.

So to look forward. I am releasing the pressure and  going slow mo. No cigarettes no destination. It could take up to year to learn how to heal. Every time i get worried i feel like a ghost has stolen my breath.

Tomorrow i need to exercise 100%. If that means I’m feeling different well thats what i need to do. I need to keep up with my homework. Reading psychology notes daily – thats my mediation. Reading how a calm person will react and deal with decision making in life.

Professional stuff is going fine. I can’t push to hard or else ill stumble like this. Last night was awful, i lost myself and felt danger of a new kind. In the dark. My imagination so active. Words associating and threatening. I was innocent. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Why did it happen? Theres no answer.

Today seeing myself, my thoughts, my discombobulation. One minute sure next minute tears of frustration.

I can’t do this. I hate feeling my parents trying to pressure me. But my dad said I’m free to do what i want. Im drained and consumed by false hope. False ideas. Disconnection.

Im not depressed anymore. Im not anxious anymore. I give up with it.


1 Comment
  1. channellybelly 3 months ago

    Hey Charlotte,

    I am so sorry to hear that things feel so heavy right now. I have been there, and I know for me it has at times been comforting to know that my lows have been felt by others–not only felt but also survived through. I have gone through spells in which one moment I feel fine, and then it suddenly feels as if a wave of darkness and dismay washes over and I am left paralyzed in feelings of inadequacy and guilt. I am glad that reading psychology notes is helpful. I should say though in terms of your analysis of calm people, I am not sure they truly exist lol. Sure there are moments of calm, but is a calm reaction always the most rationale? There are times when I have hysterical cried over dropping a beautiful Krispy Kreme doughnut on the floor, and laughed at my foolishness when accidentally hitting my head against a countertop. Both reactions felt extremely justified to me lol. I bring up these embarrassingly silly and personal stories to show you that to feel is to be alive, even when those feelings at times make us wish we were otherwise. It is okay to be you and to feel the way you do even when others try and devalue your own opinion. No one has lived your life or walked in your shoes. There is value in the way you think and feel. There is no right way to think and feel. You are okay and enough as you are. However, what is not okay is giving up! There is so much more life out there to be lived, so many experiences out there waiting for you with your name on it. Now I can’t promise that they will all be magical and fun and light, but trust me they will always be worth it in terms of what you gain. Wishing you the best now and always!

    1 kudos

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