I haven’t given up in a bad way. Today has been sufficiently difficult though. I have had out pours of emotion and fears. I don’t feel like my mum and dad are here. I know its my problem.
So to look forward. I am releasing the pressure and going slow mo. No cigarettes no destination. It could take up to year to learn how to heal. Every time i get worried i feel like a ghost has stolen my breath.
Tomorrow i need to exercise 100%. If that means I’m feeling different well thats what i need to do. I need to keep up with my homework. Reading psychology notes daily – thats my mediation. Reading how a calm person will react and deal with decision making in life.
Professional stuff is going fine. I can’t push to hard or else ill stumble like this. Last night was awful, i lost myself and felt danger of a new kind. In the dark. My imagination so active. Words associating and threatening. I was innocent. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Why did it happen? Theres no answer.
Today seeing myself, my thoughts, my discombobulation. One minute sure next minute tears of frustration.
I can’t do this. I hate feeling my parents trying to pressure me. But my dad said I’m free to do what i want. Im drained and consumed by false hope. False ideas. Disconnection.
Im not depressed anymore. Im not anxious anymore. I give up with it.