I am not sure what to call this?

I am a 20yr old girl and I just needed help understanding some situations I have been in. I have always really struggled with intimacy and I don’t know if it is because of certain events that occurred. I guess I really just need more insight on whether what happened to me was sexual abuse or not. I separated them into chronological order in the best way I remember it, a lot of it was a while ago so it is gray in some areas. That and my immediate family thinks I’m an attention whore and a pathological liar because they didn’t witness it with their own eyes so they don’t believe it happened. These events are really nothing I’ve talked about before except recently with my current bf.

1. When I was about 7 or 8, one of my mom’s gardener took us both kayaking and he was always really nice to me (even before this). He would give me little gifts like food or toys throughout the time I knew him, and I kinda remember on the kayaking trip he kept pulling up next to me to put his hand on my thigh or the inside of it. But he also put his hand on the outside of the bottom of my swimming suit in the front part. I don’t really remember being scared or anything, I definitely thought it was weird and looking back I feel like it was a grooming method but I am not sure.
2. My first boyfriend that I dated in 8th grade really wanted to makeout and have sex but I struggled with being touched or kissing at all. He would also give me ultimatums, like if we weren’t gonna fool around he was gonna ignore me but if we did fool around he would acknowledge my presence; I feel like looking back it was controlling and unhealthy?? We ended up breaking up because he wanted more intimacy, but later on we became FWB (freshman/sophomore year of highschool) and he was really my first. I told him there were a handful of things I wasn’t comfortable with like blowjobs and certain positions just because I hadn’t really done any of it before. Throughout having sex he wouldn’t really stop if I said no, he would slow down but he never pulled out he would just keep trying to talk me through it even though I felt like I was pretty clear I didn’t want to do it. Also afterwards he grabbed the back of my head and pushed it down in order to express the fact that he wanted a blowjob. And I kept saying no, and he really didn’t stop until I started crying. Since it wasn’t violent, I never really thought of it as assault? But looking back I feel like it was really wrong and has kinda made it hard for me to trust guys now.
3. I was a sophmore at the time and there was this guy in one of my classes I kinda liked. And I would sneak out at night to hangout with him because my parents were kinda against me seeing older guys. I never really wanted a relationship with him, I just wanted a guy friend. But he was a virgin and wanted to smash before the year was over because he was a senior. I kept telling him I wasn’t interested but there was a couple of times he put his hand up my shirt and down my pants when pinning me down, as well as since I’m so small he could just pick me up and do whatever. One time we were sitting overlooking the city (in a very very dark and bad place looking back) and he picked me up put me on his lap and kept commenting on my looks and kept trying to kiss me but all I wanted was to get out of the situation. Luckily things didn’t escalate but things like that happened a lot with him but not in public..
4. I dated a guy for about a year (we broke up because he ended up cheating on me) but every time we would have sex he wouldn’t use a condom nor would he really stop when I said stop (I was also intoxicated almost every time, either weed or alcohol). I would have to physically push him off of me before he would realize I wanted to stop. And every time I would ask if he had a condom, he would already be inside of me and he would be like “Oh, oops I forgot” or ” I left it at home”.
5. This was about senior year, I had met this guy that I liked but we never ended up dating because I was still getting over someone else. Long story short we hooked up but there was a large age difference (he was 22 and I was still 17) and it was awkward. It happened in a hot tub and I don’t quite remember if he had a condom on and I just remember freaking out and we stopped and afterwards he threatened me and kept saying how I need to keep my mouth shut or how he would ruin my life. Before we met up he brought food along, almost as though a trade of goods and services. It was like he brought me stuff and drove to an area near my house but I honestly thought we would only go swimming, It didn’t really seem like all he wanted was to hangout though. I just didn’t pick up on that at the time.

One thing I have really noticed is that I want to have sex intoxicated, and I think its because most of the people I have slept with made it feel as though I didn’t have a choice in what was happening so its like why should I have a choice now? That and I have a really hard time telling my bf what I need or want whether it comes to saying “I need you to stop” or “I have pain”. Then he feels really bad because he thinks he’s hurting me. I just don’t know how to be better at expressing that because he doesn’t really want to do anything further until he knows for sure I can speak up for myself.

Update to now: I have a really really amazing and supportive bf, he has never ever pressured me and every time we fool around and I say stop he stops right away and he always makes sure I’m ok. He’s even ok with the fact that I am not a huge kisser and he really leaves it up to me. Sometimes I still get really bad panic attacks or I’ll freeze up but even then he’s pretty good at helping me feel safe and comfortable. I just need a little clarity in some of the situations above. I am sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading this and taking time out of your day to help me because I know that we are all busy with our own lives, so it means a lot <3

1 Comment
  1. mariaishealing 3 months ago

    Hello Perplepinto,
    First, I just want to say that I am proud of you and thank you for sharing your vulnerability with us. Most certainly these life events has had a huge impact on your life and on your mental health.
    Now that your much older and you have a supportive bf, have you found healing amongst yourself? Like what you been doing to cope with your emotions\feelings? Possibly a therapist? Or sometimes schools have some kind of wellness support? I’m sure there has to be some resources that can help guide you whenever your feeling indistress. It’s just the matter of taking action and seeking for help. We all need help from one another honestly.
    I hope you continue to heal and reflect. Because you deserve to be happy.

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