I woke up an hour ago.  I am not an early riser or a morning person.  Charlie told me I should probably take sleeping pills (last night), to get a full night’s sleep.  I knew he was right, but I forgot to take the pills.  I was actually so tired, that I wasn’t up until 4 am, for once.  I haven’t had a solid night’s sleep since I started this little adventure.

"Looking down from the apple tree
My hands tied in back of me
With this rope below my chin
We don’t fear death my Adrian"

I was talking to Ace last night, trying to get him to coax me through a bad moment (the usual bad moment – the one that crops up around 10:30 pm when everything inside me starts screaming at me to cop).  He told me I should get a hobby to occupy myself during that time.  Reading those words, at the time, on Google Talk, I didn’t know whether he was oversimplifying, or just trying to ditch me (and of course those were the two options in my head – as we’ve established in previous entries, I am both paranoid, and crazy)  But, we recently made a policy that if something started to seem off on Google Talk, we would call each other, instead of continuing to get annoyed or upset. 

He assured me he wasn’t trying to shake me.  Of course, he wasn’t.  I just keep expecting other people to see me the way I see myself (and thusly ditch me).  I really need to stop expecting the worst of people.  Ace has more than earned my trust.  And, honestly, I trust him as completely as I trust anyone.  I’m just crazy.

"Trust me son that one day soon
You’ll be on the bottom where the boat breaks through
To let our freedom in again
We don’t fear death my Adrian"

It was actually a really good thing that I called.  I wound up spitting out some personal truth that proved pretty in advertantly cathartic.  I hadn’t set out to hash anything out.  I just wanted to get through another moment.  But, for some reason, I wound up sputtering all this sh*t about how I have never wanted to try because I didn’t want to fail and prove to myself that I couldn’t be saved.  It was so hard to say out loud, but once the thought occurred to me, I knew I had to say it, because it’s so completely true.  That fear has probably held me back as much as anything. 

"From now on I am part of you
I am the story that you’ll tell
Let my life empower you
Let my troubles teach you well"

Of course, there are some other fears that I’ve unwittingly used to trip myself, occasionally:  1)  I have nothing good on the other side of this mess,  2) as Elliot Smith would say, "I’m damaged bad, at best," and there just isn’t enough of me left to stand up to this sh*t, 3) I am too crazy to tolerate life on it’s own terms, and I will collapse in a heap, as though I have no bones, 4) both withdrawal and post acute withdrawal are horrifying stuff, 5) I don’t know what life’s gonna be like without that sh*t, and I don’t know how to live LIFE, anymore (I just know how to survive), 6) ect.

 I see the flaws in this thinking.  I know some of this is pure BS, at this point – but depression and addiction can play some fun games with your mind.

"Let your burning hatred go
Learn yourself until you know
That fear is where all hatred begins
We don’t fear death my Adrian"

For a long time, I felt like H was my only peace.  I know it’s not real, but people get really picky about the whole real/unreal bit.  We are fundamentally limited by our perceptions – we can’t get beyond them.  So, who are we to quibble about such minutiae?  If we are stuck with what we feel, moment to moment, who wouldn’t want to exact some f@cking control?  And, if it’s how I want to feel – if it’s how I choose to exist, what difference does it make if it comes from running a mile straight, without stopping, having an intense orgasm, or the end of a needle?  Yeah, I was that nuts, very recently.  Of course, it matters.  For starters, it ceases to be about "how I choose to exist" (at least in terms of preference – the statement eventually encapsulates a level of responsibility, and little else).  And, beyond that…  I have a lot of needs that have gone unmet because of th*s shit.  The truth is, I haven’t felt the way "I want to feel" in a very long time.

Not consistently, anyway.  I’ve had a few good moments, in the past couple months.  But, I want more than a few moments.  And, if I can’t have that…  I certainly don’t want to go back to losing everything, and kidding myself.  Maybe, that’s why Jazz OD’d – he just saw he wasn’t moving in any particular direction, and he just couldn’t stand to stay still, anymore. 

"From now on I am part of you
I am the story that you’ll tell
Let my life empower you
Let my troubles teach you well"

Awareness is a b*tch, and consciousness a curse… 

we don’t know how to hold onto, or let go of, anything.  We’re like lost children.

Suddenly re-remembering all these thoughts, and feelings, I’d buried under a thousand pounds of poppies…

There they are…  in my head…  all the people I’ve let down (bitching me out, all over again)

Reliving my worst moments in my head…  any humiliation my mind can cough up at me, while I’m going about my day, it will.  I remember moments when I seemed like a jerk, or moments when I was really embarrassed, and those are the easier ones.  Those ones just shake me up a little.  When the PTSD really starts kicking…  it’s like scuba diving – you have to be able to float, so that you glide along the ocean floor (if thats where you want to be) without touching it.  When a novice can’t control his bouyancy, he starts thrashig around, as he moves, kicking up the ocean floor, and suddenly there’s soot and sand everywhere, visibility is compromised, and shit’s displaced, all because some jackass never mastered the basics.  That’s me when a really bad memory crops up.  I don’t have the normal human ability to put that sh*t out of my head, and move on.  It kicks up so much darkness, and it obscures what’s in front of me so much, that I feel completely lost.

"As they set my last breath free
Turn your eyes but don’t fail to see
The love you feel inside your skin
We don’t fear death my Adrian

We don’t fear death my Adrian"