Your Mood* .. Pissed the Fuck off.

Just everything on top of another and it builds up and up like jenga blocks then crumbles down all in one. It's been like forever since I've been asking the doctor to write up a letter for Disability Allowance. Has he done it? … Has he fuck. I've been contacting him to do it for months!! Since March! It's not on, I am stressed as it is, my anxiety flares up anyway but to now have this stress because I need that money, is outrageous that they let this go on. I pay my taxes that I work hard for, for a NHS service that I clearly aint getting! Then, as if i didnt already know, but work never thank me or show gratitude for the work I do. I struggle and I still work harder. But do they care and show appreciation? .. NO. Yesterday prime example. Manager told me to clear glasses in beer gardens as I was busy wrapping cutlery, seen as another person on floor was already doing everything and wasn't busy that they needed two of us. I did that and came back to doing cutlery, only for the manager to come in and moan at me to go collect rest of glasses, I said the other person is already doing it and then she said yeah but he's been working alot and done alot today … like i hadn't … and just basically said he does all the work so it's about time I do some. Which FYI, I did alot. Majority I'd say. Never get a thank you or anything. I literally felt like shit, because I'm always the one struggling and then they never help or say thank you for me doing all that struggling. People who slack, people who don't do anything but sit on their arses, get more of a thank you than what I ever have had. I'm actually right at the edge of the cliff now, ready to just quit and walk out. But I need the money! 🙁 either stay and get treated like im worthless shit on someonesan a shoe, or I quit and be jobless :/ Not really an option right now as I want to be able to have an amazing birthday in Los Angeles, Hollywood!! So need hours, to gain money, to save to go L.A 🙂

Then, it comes to my family, always felt segregated from 'my family'. My mum tries to get me to book time off work, I'm talking like 25 hours booking off work, like I can afford that, to be POSSIBLY going away somewhere in england for a couple evenings. Not even an actual definite. So I didn't book it off until she could confirm we were going. She didn't confirm nothing because they didn't plan nothing. Comes to this Wednesday just gone and my sisters going away so dad said he would try do something with us over the few days when im not working so that I'm not left out. Okay. We went Skegness for the day. Didn't leave until late so meant we got there gone lunch time. Then mum wants to be buying my sister gifts to take back, like not just sweets, but bags and stuff. Okay fair does, but dont get me nothing. Comes to today and I find a note that they've left to go Skegness with my sister as she's back and wanted to go out. They left earlier, so got extra hours there, then on top of that, my parents come back and haven't bought anything for me. Okay I'm not a spoilt brat and no I don't care for materialistic stuff. But the principle that they didn't want to buy me anything but bought her shit loads of stuff, ain't fair when we are both their daughters. However, in their eyes, it's always been just my sister and i'm pushed aside, segregated.Always to be told to be 'normal'. I'm fed up and that was it today, I cracked! I've caved in and become weak again. I was/still am strong! I am stronger than to cry and feel like i'm worthless and feel like the shit the people want me to feel I am. I'm not. I'm better than this. I am stronger now. But still doesn't stop the hurting of it all. Just need to be able to get myself out of this situation soon, need to win the lottery … anyone won the lottery, would you be kind enough to pass some my way? hehe

Mehhhhhhhhhhhhh, feel totally alone.