Well I am here on Anxiety Tribe! I have been a member of Depression Tribe for almost 3 months and last week I just joined Addiction Tribe. I think that many people who are depressed also have anxiety and some addiction issues, I know I do! I almost want to laugh because it's so sick and unfortunate all I can do is just laugh.

But on a more serious note, there is a reason I joined Anxiety Tribe today. I have noticed that along with my ever-constant depression, Anxiety has come to an unbearable high lately. It is actually beating out the depression to the point that my psychosis is more Anxiety than anything. I am to the point where I want benzos to calm me down when before I refused the prescription from my doctor because I was afraid I'd get addicted and I was also afraid that any kind of benzo would make me more depressed.

But now I don't care. I'd rather go into a stupor than deal with this fucking anxiety anymore. I can't eat and I'm ready to jump out a goddamn widow. Everything makes me anxious. I have to stop drinking booze because that is the only thing that calms me down, but after I drink I have major panic attacks. It is kind of a good thing that i have major panic attacks after I drink. Otherwise I would be a full blown alcoholic– guzzling down booze every second. Fortunately, as I've said, the panic attacks are so horrible when I sober up that it is NOT worth the excessive drinking.

The only thing I am doing "wrong" is drinking too much coffee. I know caffeine makes me more anxious, but without it, I feel suicidal. I have a choice, it looks like. Between severe depression, and severe anxiety. I don't think it's possible no matter what medications I get to balance it out. I think I will just have to pick which one I want to deal with at the time.

My family fucken hates me. I am either a downer or so giddy and anxious that I am always asking them to lower the noise in the house. I don't blame them for being totally sick of me. I'm a fucking liability. Last weekend I wanted to kill myself and got pretty close to making a sincere attempt. And ever since I have felt terrible fear, more anxiousness than I know what to do with.

The only good thing this week is I have been sick with some kind of cold or something. That made me very tired and less able to go crazy manic.

All I can think of is lorezepam. Or clonezepam. Even Diazepam, the leader of the Valuim Family. I have to go through a blood test and a physical then maybe even see a psychiatrist to get it. It makes me laugh how the things that are messing me up are all legal but the thing I need right now will be hell to get.

2 Comments
  1. Vendela 11 years ago

    I know the feeling. The problem is that I\'m almost out of klonopin and that alone makes me panic! I\'m trying to get in to see another doctor because I havent seen my other doctor in months…I dislike him greatly. I think finding the right doctor will help a bunch, at least I hope so.

    My anxiety has been through the roof as well. I know how it feels to get so anxious that you start to feel delusional, I get that way a lot lately. I worry about things that haven\'t even happened yet.

    Anyway, welcome to the tribe and I\'m always here if you want to talk.

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  2. deidrexx 11 years ago

    Hi Sarah_Marie, thanks for the comment, I appreciate it. Yeah getting a good dr. is important! I have an NP right now and I am not crazy about her, it\'s hard to get her to prescribe things. Not that I want a dr. that will give me whatever I want either, that would be unsafe in a way. I just hate going thru all the hurdles to get my meds. I know what you mean about delusional too, I\'m staying out of everyone\'s way as much as I can.

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