How to Spot a Batterer Before the Relationship Begins

The following red flags are characteristics of an abuser. This does not mean that everyone who demonstrates one or two of these qualities will end up abusing or battering their partners.
However, these red flags should be taken seriously. If someone you know demonstrates one or two of these patterns on a consistent basis, he has the potential to become a batterer.
• Superior attitude toward women. Does he think men are superior to women? Does he feel he “owns” you and has the right to control your thoughts and actions? Does he talk about women in a demeaning way?
• Does not take responsibility for his own actions. Does he justify, minimize, or deny his actions? Does he blame you or someone else for his failures or lack of achievement? Does he deny his actions and try to make you think you are crazy?
• Jekyll/Hyde personality. Does he change from a loving, caring person into a hateful, sarcastic jerk with little or no warning? Do you walk on eggshells because you never know what might set him off? Does he fly into a rage for no apparent reason? Are you constantly afraid that he will become violent? Does he blame you for his violent behavior? Does he act charming and compassionate in public, but changes into a controlling bully when you’re alone?
• Emotionally unhealthy or immature. Is he able to express and discuss his emotions? How does he deal with stress and frustration? Can he discuss problems calmly or does he fly into a rage verbally (swearing, demeaning, accusing) and physically (throwing things, kicking furniture, punching his fist through walls or doors).
• Childhood trauma. Did he grow up in an abusive home? Did he see and hear his father verbally or physically batter his mother? Was he battered as a child? Was he sexually abused as a child? Does he have low self-esteem? Does he demean his mother and have an irrational desire to please his father?
• Critical attitude. Is he constantly critical of you and others? Does he enjoy making fun of other people? Does he belittle the things you say and do? Does he try to make you feel stupid or incompetent? Does he make you think you cannot survive with him? Does he tell you no one else will love you?