I went to see the dr yesterday and when I got home I was so proud of myself. I got my flu shot, talked to my dr about everything that was on my mind and had my yearly blood test done. I felt so accomplished, I didn't go into full blown panic and I didn't take any extra meds. I was on cloud nine yesterday. I felt like things were starting to finally come back around to a good place after the hell I've been through in the last year.

Let me give you a little background on the last year before I get into what's now going on. In june of 2010 I found out that I had developed a life-threatening side effect from one of my anti-anxiety meds. The side effect was called hyponetremia ( low blood sodium .) When I found out about it, it was a complete fluke. I had just had my gallbladder removed and when the ran a blood test to see if I had and infection in my blood they discover that my blood sodium was at 115 (normal is 136-145) which is low enough for siezures, coma, and swelling of the brain. I should, by all medical standards, have died. By the grace of GOD I came out physically un-harmed, although for the 4 months following the diagnosis I endurer over 150 blood tests, had to ingest 8,000mg of salt a day, and was only allowed gatorade to drink. At the same time that this was all happening, my sons father commited suicide and they had just found what remained of his body.

So, for someone with ptsd, anxiety, panic, ocd and agoraphobia, it was hell. I finally recently stopped obsessing about my health and mortality which brings me to today and the reason for this blog- The dr called this morning to inform me that my labs came back and I now have full blown diabetes. My question is why, why do I have to be crazy AND have so many health problems, why when things are going great do I have to get a new bomb dropped on me, just why???? I know that whatever happens is GOD's will, and it shall be done, I know not to question him, I know that his will, will not carry me where his grace cannot keep me. I'm just so scared. i have 4 children, three teenagers and a 4yr old little girl. I want to be there for them, I don't want to miss a moment of their lives and my baby girl is only 4. I won't know the severity or the plan of action until next thursday when I go back to see the dr. I know people who have been living with diabetes for most of their lives but I've also seen what can happen. 2 years ago I lost my best friend to diabetes complications and he was only 19. My fears are justified…. R.I.P Keith, you'll always be in my heart.