I feel like i'm already dead. A lot like when you go down on a roller coaster and it always feels like you're going faster than your body..I'm just waiting for my body now. People go on. Millions of people live without any knowledge of millions of other people, but in one way or another it seems like so many lives scream out to be heard; only to be responded with hollow acknowledgement. i care about money. in many ways it seems like people do have to buy their lives in many ways. i've never been much of a fan of that. I watch that tv show survivor, only because i have family members who do. There's a guy this season who cries constantly. I cant stand him, only for the fact that his tears seem insincere and trivial. He does nothing to progress past his position. just wallowing..I see it and it annoys me. I think mostly because it reminds me of myself. It makes me feel guilty. I spent more than 3 years constantly in tears over feeling inadequate and panicking over it. I was always looking for answers and reassurance, without really dealing with what my problem was. I couldn't detatch enough to see my obsession of being dysfunctional was way more of a problem than how dysfunctional i was. I feel almost mad at this random tv guy because he doesn't see that in his issue. plus he's religious, and i've never felt sympathetic for religious people. i'm kind of an asshole like that. i wonder if i'm going to commit suicide. i say this because i'm not really sure. i don't completely want to, but at the same time there's nothing to look forward to. now understand that i'm emotionally a very fickle guy. i can be doom and gloom, and then if my own selfish problems seem better i get hopeful. my feelings are always so conditional. it's kind of pathetic. i have no real grip on contentment or sorrow, to really care about living or dying. since i'm living i'll probably continue to live, only because it takes less effort in most cases. i'm being kind of creepy right now aren't i? eh..oh well, whatever. i think what i really want to say, is i wish life was different. i wish it was easy when a lot of things feel hard. and i wonder if that makes me a wuss, if i should give up, or try. i think people always want to do "the strong" thing. i think that's why people that survive, do so. self preservation aside. I feel like many people have no interest beyond this rat race. i think there are more than just the obvious rat race. people are good at distracting themselves. I've met a woman. an amazing woman. i'm a rat, but i look up to her memory.

1 Comment
  1. lecourage 2 years ago

    I recognized myself in much of what you wrote. I don’t see you as creepy or a rat. I see as very human. More human than most as you reach deep and admit to yourself your situation and feelings honestly. I feel the ups and downs conditionally as well. They are so hard to live with that death is always tempting. It’s like living my life along a precipice being blown by whatever the wind decides whether it’s down into it or up on the edge. It’s lovely on the edge, life is good and life is awful over it.

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