Let me start at the beginning. I have a best friend. Of three years. Recently, he’s been saying some pretty awful things. Getting moody, clingy, and angry. Terrifyingly angry. I’m not afraid of him hurting me physically, but every time we talk, I have to call my mom every time we talk to avoid an attack. He disinvited me from his birthday for seemingly no reason at all, then begged for my forgiveness at 3:00 am the next day. I didn’t accept, but I didn’t say I didn’t. He would say sorry and I said ‘I know.’ Things look promising.

I ask for space, because along with disinviting me, he harassed me for hours after, telling me I don’t even deserve to be invited at all, and that he didn’t want me around him anymore. So our relationship is still shaky.

He offers some left over birthday cake the next Monday, a peace treaty almost. But it makes me feel sick. Because isn’t that an awfully good reminder of everything he said? I disassociate and next thing I know, he’s slamming his hands on the Tupperware forcefully, stomping off towards our next class with a glare directed toward me the entire time.

Fast forward that night. He’s texting me again. At this point I have to periodically text my mom for support. He says something like ‘maybe if you tried harder or cared as much as I did, we wouldn’t be like this. I wouldn’t be like this.’ Then he blames me for his mental condition. I stop talking to him for the rest of that day. Because frankly it hurt a shit ton. I don’t have tough skin when it comes to emotions. Punch me in the face and I won’t give a shit but this is poison to me.

Then it’s today. He’s texting me during history. He says it’s my fault that he didn’t want me over on his birthday because I’ve been ignoring him since October. Which is complete bullshit, because we spent most of Christmas together and I had something planned for his birthday. He tells me to have a nice life because I’ll never care enough. I don’t mean to ‘ignore people.’ I’ve been exhausted. Home is awful right now. I never get enough sleep because of my stupid nightmares. Things have been bad. I’ve been trying to take care of myself.

Today I tried to cut things off as nicely as I could. That what prompted the ‘Have a nice life’ speech. I didn’t want to. He was one of my closest friends. I shared everything with him. And the fact that I had to tell him I didn’t want to be friends anymore? It wasn’t fun. I hated it but I had to.

Because how else would I get better? How could I take care of myself when someone’s been shoving me down every chance they get?

Anyway. That’s all for now.