I am trying very hard to get myself back on track, mentally and emotionally, this week. But it seems like it is just not going to let up anytime soon. My biggest problem, and I believe this is why I self-medicate with drugs and alcohol, is that I cannot let go of things I have done “wrong.” Ever since I could remember, I have been able to recall the worst moments in my life. All those times that I said or did something stupid, all the times I could tell people were looking at me and feeling disdain or disgust…I can see it in their eyes and I hold onto it. Believe me, I do not want to be a martyr. I would much rather remember the best moments, the enjoyable ones that one often passes down to her/his grandchildren as delightful family anecdotes. But my subconscious cannot seem to let go of the bad. I feel like my conscience has two sides: one that is like my guardian angel, telling me to stay away from something/one and protecting me from making stupid decisions; and the other one is constantly berating me, reminding me of all the times I screwed up or embarrassed myself or said no to the perfect person. For example, a guy that I was talking to over the summer (while my on-again/off-again and I were split up) just recently told me that he started seeing someone and sounded really happy and excited about it. Now my mind keeps telling me that I should have tried harder to keep him interested in me, and then it tells me that no matter what I could have tried he would never have gotten serious with me because I am just not good enough. So while during the day I can maintain some semblance of normalcy, when I go home and after my son is in bed I am crying alone on the couch wondering why I was not good enough for him. Then my mind turns to the love of my life and tells me that he is never going to truly commit to me because he is just keeping me around until someone better comes along. Which of course compounds my depression and anxiety to a level that I cannot handle even on my best day. Therefore, I drink or take pills so that I can block these thoughts out for just a moment in my day, so that I am not constantly feeling like the failure my mind keeps telling me that I am.

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