friend, i’m just… very lonely.

like, painfully. it’s literally an ache in my head and in my chest, a tightness of breath…i’m so fucking tired, physically exhausted waking up in the middle of the night like this, and i can’t sleep even though i need to for work in a few hours. and so…pragmatically i know i need to sleep or i’m going to have an even shittier day tomorrow, or today i guess, but emotionally i just can’t. it’s not even really thoughts that are keeping me up, it’s just this feeling…and i really dont know what to do about it

so, i guess i’ll try to put something to words.

there are people in my life, that have been in my life, that i consider special in some way or another. y’know, like, actually good people. i respect their opinions, their outlook on things. and i just genuinely enjoy being around them, hearing from them, that kind of thing. i’m not a perfect person, by any means, but i do care…kind of thing. i care a lot, actually…because the few times i do feel that way about someone, well i guess it’s just that, few. i didn’t grow up with a lot of love, i spent most of my time just trying to avoid my parents crap…other people’s crap…and…i don’t know, i guess it’s made me the way i am now. even a small inkling of care i have for someone is rare…and it means everything to me…even if i won’t admit it to myself most of the time, let alone the other person.

i get that i’m a bit much on this site, it’s intentional, i don’t know what else to do with those thoughts, because it would be silly to use them in everyday life. but they’re there and… i don’t know, the build up and fester if i don’t do something with them.

i guess i say all of that to say this…sometimes there are people that make me feel like a good person. not a wreck, not a problem, just a person that’s trying.
and then they walk away, without an explanation… they ghost. maybe they’re too polite, don’t want to hurt my feelings, think i won’t react well. maybe they don’t want to feel bad for telling me that they don’t want to talk anymore, maybe it’s easier for them to just walk away, because they aren’t comfortable or they’re triggered by confrontation. in which case, i get it…

the thing i wanna say, is that it hurts…a lot worse than if they were to just tell me they don’t want to talk to me anymore. and…i know i’m not owed an explanation, i know people make their own decisions for their own reason…i guess i’m just wanting to explain my side of things.
when someone that makes me feel like a good person, just stops talking to me…no mean words, last thing we said to each other was nice…it makes me feel like i was never what they made me feel like, like i’ll never be, because here’s this person i cared about a lot, wanted to hear the things that they thought, and they cut me out…and not in a mean way, it’s not like they told me to fuck off right to my face, but i almost rather they did. not even almost…i really do rather they just did that, or some version of it…weird as it might sound, it’s like i wasn’t even worth a “fuck off” or a “goodbye” to them…someone i cared about…and like i said, for me caring about someone means a lot, maybe more than it should.