Im not sure where to begin with this…

I guess you can call me lil, I need to get this out. I’m scared and tired and I can’t keep living like this, I have to get a handle on myself. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, and I have been in therapy for almost a year but am unable to see her more than once a month for financial reasons, so a friend suggested joining a support group.

My story is rather typical of this sort of thing. My earliest memories are of my father chasing my brother through the house only to beat him when he cought up. He cheated on my mother regularly and they were always fighting. This is not alI remember but is the most present. My mother has depression and only seems interested when there is drama involved. She had her hands full with my brother and sister so I was left to myself most of the time. School wasn’t much better as I was unable to handle others I felt isolated and soon became an outcast. It hurt most when I would sit down and everyone would move away. I began to feel uncomfortable with touch.

All I was ever told was how worthless I am, at home by my father and at school by my peers. When all you hear is criticism you begin to accept it internalize it, it becomes part of who you are. It is difficult to speak with my husband about this, how do I tell someone I love so much that I hate myself so deeply.

I have seen so much, experienced so much, i have had things thrown above my head only to shatter on the wall, I have been woken up in the middle of the night to pack my belongings and leave, only to return later,  I have been pulled from a closet so hard the wind was knocked out of me from the impact of the wall on the other side of the hall.

Most of my current distress is rooted in these experiences. I began to have trouble in early 2019, I took a job with my father in law and it is wonderful but the differences between him and my father became more prevalent. I would make a mistake and be prepared to meet with anger and insult, but instead find patience and understanding. While this sounds good it caused me to start questioning my opinions of my own father. Suddenly every barrier I had built came crashing down. The finale straw was when my father moved back to town and began appearing without warning. My first “serious” panic attack was the day he appeared behind me at work, I turned around expecting to see my father in law and instead was met with the subject of my nightmares. I have always had mild panic attacks but usually they go away within a few minutes and I had learned to work through them, most wouldn’t have known it was happening. But this was different it knocked me off my feet, for the first time in a long time I was sitting with mytmy back against a wall unable to think or breath, like someone was sitting on my chest.

I began to have trouble eating, or sleeping, I started breaking down for no reason, and when I did sleep I would have horrible nightmares. I am afraid to be left alone as I can go into a panic attack simply by being alone with my thoughts. I have been free of my abusers for almost 9 years but I can never escape myself.

My husband is my rock, his presence saved me from a very dark place. Not a day has gone by in our 12 years together that he has not told me I am beautiful, or told me he is lucky to have me, I am the lucky one. We met and started dating in highschool. After a year together my father was sent to prison for having a relationship with girl younger than me. My mother’s response was to move to a different state. I was left at 17 to live with my brother, this didn’t work out so withing 2 months I moved to my sister’s house, my mother later came back realizing she couldn’t just run away. She spent the remaining year and a half “preparing” me to move out when I graduated. I paid my mother rent to live at home while I finished highschool.

My story is not as bad as some, but it is still hard to escape. I am free and yet the pain and memories will not go away.

2 Comments
  1. consultantdunn 2 years ago

    I’m sorry to hear that you are currently unable to continuously see your therapist. I am not a therapist but I may be able to help and offer advice. Some of the instances you wrote about appeared in my childhood as well. I don’t think anyone story is worse than the other. In my opinion we all lose something when we go through troubling times. You should be aware but you shouldn’t compare your story to another. What may not seem as worse to you may be horrific to others. A lot of times when normalize the things we dealt with in our childhood but to someone who hasn’t lived that childhood is may be a mind blowing experience. I think you should communicate with your husband about how you feel. He won’t think less of you. He’ll help you. You can’t hate yourself. YOU CANT HATE YOURSELF. You have to realize and understand that your not at fault for what happened in your childhood. The environment we grow up in as a child dictates who we’ll be as adults. The trauma your father caused will always be with you but it doesn’t have to define you. You can’t let it define you because your so much better than that. Your super human. You have to feel and know that. Think about it. You’ve been able to survive what many can’t. Your strong enough to seek help and to seek further help when the first route is blocked. Your still fighting to this day. You haven’t gave up on yourself. There’s nothing wrong with a little doubt but don’t let it consume you. Don’t let what happen in your childhood own you. You have to own it. Tell your husband how you feel. It’ll left a lot of the weight you feel off your shoulders. The best way to tell him, in my opinion, is slowly. Give it to him in pieces. At least see how he reacts to small amounts of information as opposed to not giving him any info at all. The reward is far more beneficial than the risk. You have to accept that it wasn’t your fault. You can’t control people actions. Sometimes we can’t control our own. Our subconscious mind picks up on everything that our conscious mind doesn’t. The damage caused to your mind will heal if you let it. You have to embrace your life. As much as you may have hated it you have to embrace them no one can ever use it against you. Right now your using it against yourself. The memories you have will always cause the pain because pain marks time. I’m sure you can remember every pain you felt related to your childhood. The key is to embrace that pain. Use the pain against itself. Don’t let the pain use you. Think positive. When you have those memories think positive. Try to think positive. Make it a habit, a goal.
    Our life stories affect us in many ways. It’s hard to put behind something that has been apart of us since a young age. Sometimes the thoughts come when you don’t want them to. When I have negative thoughts I immediately change what I’m thinking to something positive no matter what it is. The longer the negative thought sits in your mind the harder it’ll be to get it out and eventually over come. Our brain releases a neurotransmitter called Serotonin. It’s a chemical that contributes to our happiness and overall well being. In my opinion another key to stopping unwanted thoughts is increase your serotonin levels. When you have those bad and unwanted thoughts it’s likely because you have low levels of serotonin. To increase my serotonin levels I do things that make me happy. I do things that I enjoy. Exercising, eating, working, and meditation are some proven ways that can increase your serotonin levels. I wish you nothing but the best. Hope I was a to help.

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  2. Author
    liljess 2 years ago

    Thank you for your response, it took me some time to reply. I’m still not sure if I know what to say but I wanted you to know I appreciate it. Thought replacement therapy is one of the strategies I am currently working on with my therapist… I suppose I get discouraged at times when the negative thoughts become persistent. Iv started a jornal to see if writing it down will help me to recognize how irrational my self deportation can be…. I’m going to keep trying my best.

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