all day in bed…for a day off
it’s been years since i’ve done that…i used to, all day, for days on end.
i would just will myself to sleep, being awake was too much – i didn’t want to face it – so i’d just be in bed all weekend, sometimes calling in sick that friday or monday, not eating, not drinking properly…just sleep.

today reminded me of that…i’d kinda forgot that i used to do that. and then lying in bed today, called in sick, all of it came back.

i’m spiralling and i know it – one step forward, two steps back
i’d almost want to write what’s on my mind, but that’s just it, nothing. i just don’t want to be awake, that’s all
“that can’t be all…” i’m thinking to myself right now.
i suppose what it is, is that i wanted to shut off… shut off the constant trying to be better. the constant second-guessing of my choices, avoiding regret, avoiding self-loathing. the constant burying of the negative thoughts.

i guess i’m not done with this place yet – i tried to walk away again, but here i am…sleeping all day, not wanting to be awake

friend,

the hail pelted my window, popping against the glass in icy pebbles, stark white in the dim light of the falling night.
i couldn’t think, i just listened.
my dreams were swirls – mixed oils of feelings – fear, longing, regret…
it seems my escape from the order of living was to drop into the pool of inner turmoil – relent the required control of daily life, and simple drift among the chaos – no more swimming against the tide, and simply give up my limbs and drown.

i often think of you, friend…sitting at the bottom of that pool, far away and aphotic, curled up in sorrowing rage where even the screams are smothered in gurgling bubbles.
i think “no wonder” – that everything can feel so alien at times, that those bottom depths are more like home than anything moving on the surface, that you feel no connection from so far down

it’s easy to let go from down there – let go of hope, love, choice – let go of people.
it’s easy to curl up and be alone… where you can’t even reach yourself.

sometimes i think that all i am is made up of your suffering…that what people see of me is just the ripples reaching up from you deep below.

i think of you, friend…and whether or not this voice i speak with now is just one more layer of the watery cage.