So I hate to sound like a "negative nancy" but I just gotta be real here….So I was just pondering things today and thought to myself.. wow…I\'ve been back in cali for about a year now and find it incredibly sad that I haven\'t made one single friend. I blame it on my social anxiety but still its so frustrating…

Its so lonely and depressing which then causes more anxiety and intensifies agorophobia. I know theres people out there that have it worse than me but seriously…Im just really depressed about it, I\'ve been seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist, taking antidepressants and am currently seeking for a support group for social anxiety in venutra county. the closest one I\'ve heard  of is in L.A which is too far of a drive for me. Im also on a budget so it leaves me with little options.. Idk I just feel so stuck… I feel like a person stuck on an island whos trying to signal an S.O.S and have no way of starting a fire…. I just wish I could make atleast one friend…just one…Thats why Although online support groups are great I\'d like to join an actual meet up one. In person then maybe It would be more likely for me to make a friend or two that would actually understand me. that would be so wonderful.  I went to my cousin\'s graduation party the other day and it really brought me down…Seeing everyone out on the dance floor and so cializing wishing I could be that one girl dancing letting her hair down having a good time without a care in the world. or that person smiling and carrying on a conversation in a circle of  all these people that he just met. Instead, I stayed in a corner grasping on to my drink being quiet longing for company someone I could talk to without feeling like a complete awkward weirdo…I also thought…wow….I\'ve been out of high school for 6 years and haven\'t accomplished shit. and while all my classmates and family has something to talk about and be proud of  I have NOTHING… I have dreams and goals to reach its not that I don\'t but my anxiety has skyrocketed since high school for reasons more or less that triggered it, Since then my anxiety has gotten waaaayyy worse…And I can honestly say that It has put my life on hold for forever. I feel that My life and youth are being robbed from me. Im not a mean person and Im not lazy or anything but my social anxiety makes me look like a bitter no good person. Many times I have made any excuse just to get out of even a family gathering because of my anxiety and it just makes them think im a jerk…if only they knew how much it breaks my heart…I\'ve never really talked to anyone about my anxciety because 1. they\'ll think im crazy or 2. of course, the given…they just won\'t understand. and coming from a religious family its all based off of "oh knock it off u dont have this or that you just need ,God" which im not knocking that coz I believe we all need God in our lives. but sometimes people just need to understand that its just a disease. a disease that we can not help and need help for . we don\'t need to be llectured but just heard and understood and supported by others….anyway im just rambling now…its onlly because I feel the need to vent and kind of have noone to listen because like i\'ve said I wouldn\'t tell my family..I\'ve told my boyfriend about it and thank God for him because hes very sweet and understanding about it but even sometimes I can tell that he gets really frustrated and just wishes that I would "snap out of it" and just go out with him every once in a while with his friends or to see his family instead of making every excuse in the book  not to go because I feel scared about it…

Idk I feel so Lost…and there\'s so many things I\'d like to do but I feel a great ball and chain is just attached to my leg …. 

 

I just wish I could just talk to someone that would understand u know…

with all that said…to put this loooong ass blog to an end…does anyone know of a support group for social anxiety in Ventura county? and is there anyone in the area that has it? 

Idk I guess its just human nature to want to know that your not alone…