I found this site through my school's website and I thought it was relevant to me because I have dealt with anxiety throughout my entire life. I thought I would get over it in my adulthood, but clearly I have not. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled to interact with people and often times I've felt like I'm not welcome than I feel like I am liked. I try very hard to be an outgoing person but it's always a struggle. I tend to shake my legs a lot, I get nervous when it comes to making new friends, I get even more nervous when I talk to the opposite sex, whenever I say something that I feel is stupid I'll remember it for the rest of the day and I'll cringe about it (sometimes I'll remember something that I said a couple of years ago and I'll beat myself up for it still), and I am absolutely terrified of public speaking. I really, really hate public speaking. I remember one time I had to do TWO speeches for a class. I only did one because I really did not want to do it again (I still managed to pass the class though lol).

When I was in high school, I was very interested in psychological disorders and I would pick and choose which ones I might have. The one psychological disorder that has stuck out to me the most was social anxiety disorder. To this day, I think I might have it but I'm undiagnosed. I've never been to a psychologist even though I wanted to go to one. I probably might go see my school's psychologist at some point because I think it might be easier to share my deepest insecurities to someone who is a professional and will give me solid advice than someone who knows little to nothing about what I'm going through.

And I definitely can't talk to my parents about what I'm going through because they don't want to hear about my problems. They just want to hear that I'm fine, and I don't blame them fully because I have developed some shame towards me burdening them with my problems. So I keep everything to myself from them.

I feel relieved writing this blog because I kind of had a bad social experience tonight. There is this group of 3 girls who have been nice to me ever since I started going to my new school, but tonight 2 of them were acting suspicious towards me. I think one of them (lets call her Vivian) was actively trying to avoid me (she hid in one of the showers in the communal bathroom), and when I asked if one of the other girls(lets call her Jessica) were going to a party with Vivian and Teresa (3rd girl) she said she wasn't and that she was going to tag along with some guys. A little later on, I went to go take a shower and I overheard Teresa and Jessica talking and Teresa said to Jessica "Are you ready to go to the party?" and Jessica said, "Uhh yeah". So clearly Jessica lied to me. I'm not upset because I wanted to be close friends with these girls, but I'm upset that they're not exactly the genuinely nice people they portrayed themselves as and the tactics they used to avoid me is pretty messed up, and I have been nothing but nice to these girls.

I really appreciate it if you took the time to read all of this. I feel a lot better when I write down what's bothering me, and I have a feeling I will be doing more of that here in the future. This is a great outlet for people like me. 🙂