Oh my gosh, I made it through the week alive! I didn't think that was really going to happen. I felt pretty certain that by today I would be in lock-down at the local mental health crisis facility to tell the truth. It's been just that rough. But I lucked out and got a same-day appointment with my therapist on Thursday evening, and that was the best thing to happen to me all week. I was able to talk about what was going on in my head, my heart…the scary thoughts that kept coming back. The feeling of sheer overwhelmedness started to lift as I recounted each problem I had faced in the past few weeks and how the who pile of them were affecting me. She didn't judge me when I told her I slapped Aaron (which I am SO disappointed in myself for) and suggested that it was a reaction to everything that's been happening, especially the problems that are stemming from him. She reiterated the need for us to start our marital counseling right away, and yesterday Aaron called and scheduled it for us on the 20th. The only problem is the timing…that's when Zach gets home from school. I'll have to ask my Mom to make sure she can pick him up at the bus stop early that day. I hate to ask her that, but I've got no one else to do it.

I walked away from my appointment feeling much lighter and more positive. I found some hope to cling to. Things are going to get better…it's just going to take some time. I have to keep my faith. I have to remember that I WILL fall on my butt sometimes, but that Ihave to make myself get back up and keep going. Like I've heard said before; if you think of life as a cha-cha, a step back is just part of the dance. Hey, maybe that will be my new motto for awhile! 🙂

One of the biggest things we discussed in my session is that I don't want any old job ~ I want one that's going to be fulfilling to me! I get so mad when my husband and my mom constantly push me to fill out applications I bring home as a possibility. But they are not my real desires, and I want to exhaust any possibility of that before I take a job that's not the career I'm looking for. I want to do floral work, as I've said before. I have to sit down and write out a good resume' and ask for $35-45 dollars a week for being there to do clean-up and such so that I can bring home some money. I'll have to work it out with the employer though if I find someone who's willing to train me. Then, and ONLY then, if I can't find someone willing, THEN I will take a job until I get a call-back from someone. Most likely in that situation it will be substituting. I just need one more reference letter. I'm considering calling the school I worked for that I liked so much when I subbed for them and seeing if they have space for a 2nd grader (my son) and if they do, I'll just substitute for them again. They'd be glad to have me back, they said. 🙂

I know, I'm a confusing mess. I just want what's best for my little guy. He continues to struggle with almost crippling anxiety about school, and this charter school has small classes with very good teachers (I've met all of them) and I think it might be a positive change for him. And the good thing for me is, I don't have to go through all this mess with the school system getting all these letters and such together because they HAVE all my current information. It would make things SO much easier!

So those are my two biggest options right now. And the pay for subbing is good! It won't be near as good doing floral, but I'll be with Zach in the school and not have any problems with getting to work on time because he'll be at the same school I'm working at. The only thing that stinks is that because it's a charter school I'll have to drive him everyday and pick him up. That's going to cost a lot in gas…

I finally gave in and called my regular physician about my stomach problems yesterday. They're angry because they didn't get any of the stuff from the Mima Clinic I went to that did the CT scan and the diagnosis they gave me. I have to call the clinic and ask them to fax all of that info to my pcp. Luckily they're open 7 days a week, so I can call today and get it sent.

I have to admit, I'm pretty scared. I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm tired of being ill, but I'm scared of finding out really bad news! I don't want to deal with surgery of any sort or something like Crohn's disease, which is awful. IBS is bad enough as it is. But this isn't IBS and I know that. I've had that problem since I was 17 and I know what it feels like, and this is NOT it. I'm hoping that maybe the rotovirus just killed all of the good bugs in my intestines and they'll have to replenish them, or maybe I'm allergic to gluten. We'll see I guess. But at this point I need to do something.

Well it's Saturday and we're tight on money as usual, so I don't know what we'll be doing today. Maybe we'll just hang out around the house and I'll do some cleaning in the apartment (which desparately needs it), or maybe to the beach. Its a hot day and its free, except for the gas to get there. But even that can be problematic because its a half hour drive each way. I dunno.

I guess its time for me to get off of my butt and take care of the animals. I have to do the rabbit's cage today. But he'll be really happy because he'll get to run around twice in one day and then a clean house to come back to. 🙂

I wish you all a good weekend. Sending loving thoughts and beautiful light!

~ Key





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