So,

 I found this site yesterday, I joined made a couple of posts a couple of comments, read some blogs at the end of the day I guess I felt a little better. Kind of like getting it off my chest and to people who understand and don't just give me the same old crap-"just snap out of it!" "Think Positively!" blah blah blah blah blah.. if it were just that easy. As a matter of of fact by joining up here I thought I was taking a positive step, and I did some research on the situation I got some good info, I had decent conversation with my wife last night and this morning. I decided to get up early and go to the store and get a couple of errands done. I took a shower and got out early!(sometimes I don't shower for a few days(i know! but I just don't even have the desire to be clean). so, as I am going down the mountain(I live in the El Yunque Rainforest in Puerto  Rico) I feel this wave creep up on me I try to hold it off..I manage to get in the store I hear some American music and I break down crying I think I've wasted my life and the best parthas passed me by because of this depression. I am a 45 yo male 6'2 270lbs crying in the middle of the grocery store . I can't even deal with the music on the radio. So I sit in silence and let the thoughts run through my head, wasted life, a ton of bad decisions, 65 lbs overweight, no respect for my self, family on my side is just as screwed up if not more and I haven't  talked them in 2 years, my wife and family are great people but they don't really understand, I have accomplished nothing of any worth, in fact I have just proceeded to put "us" further and further down, and for a brief moment I feel it will be ok and the wave comes and there is no stopping it…positive thinking wont stop it being thankful , praying? tapping? it is stronger than all.

Yesterday I wrote about suicide. Maybe the right answer? some comments were made that it is not due to the fact that I will be missed by others and they will be devestated. Yet I am told to do what I think is right and not pay attention to what others think. I don't know what to think..I want to stop thinking, plus the others who would miss me, supposedly, are most of the problem and the rest will grieve and go on just like everybody else when some one dies..you can't stop it…..no, maybe you can but I can't! I try but I can't