I kind of don't know of I have depression or not. I've never been to the doctor to see if it's a possibility but I'm nearly positive this is what it is. I'm 15, which is young so people don't take my feelings very seriously. They think it's just what happens to every body, but this isn't the same.I'm a pretty antisocial person. I try to just get through the day without talking a lot at school unless I'm with people I've know for a long time and am friends with. I stay at home all the time because my Monday's I'm too young to date and that I'm not mature enough and I guess she's right because I make such stupid childish mistakes sometimes.I hate school, I really hate it. Not like regular hatred. The deep defining hatred that a killer could have for his victim. I might be a drop out or something someday because I've just stopped caring. About anything and everything.My parents are divorced and they do the classic speech of “high school will be the best years of your life” and “we're just trying to prepare you for the real world”. I hate to break it to you guys, but this is the really world. Just because I don't live on my own yet doesn't mean this isn't the real world with real world problems.I should be grateful for the things I have, I really should. But I'm too busy thinking about death, mine in particular. And no really me killing myself, just wondering if theirs anything after because it scares me that someday I'm gonna be old and someday I will stop breathing. I know it's a fact of life, but I just want to live. I'll haunt people as a ghost for all I care, I just down want an oblivion o nothing. I mean how is that even possible?And then I do think about suicide. But I could never do it because id never pull the trigger because of the fact in so scared that there's nothing better waiting for me on the otherside. What if God exists but so does depression in heaven? And then suicide is a sin so I'd definitely go to hell. But in not even sure I believe in him because he's never done anything for me.My parents were telling me they were worried that I wouldnt be a respectable adult an that I need to work on my attitude and oh god am I trying, trust me I am trying to care. I am trying to be happy but people keep throwing things in my fce, reminding me of what's wrong with me.My eating habits are awful. Sometimes I can eat, but I'm really terrified I'll get sick afterwards so I don't eat as much.Sometimes I sleep way too much or I can never go to sleep at all.I just want help, I just really want to be happy and not cry over silly things and be sad for this long ever again. I can't spend more years of my life like this it has to stop.

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