Recently, I had the unfortunate experience of losing just about all my friends because of someone else. This someone ironcially enough considered me her best friend and while this feeling was certainly not mutual we were close and we hung out quite a bit. Being in High School she was like for lack of a better term, our groups 'Ring Leader'. Eventually despite being same sex, which doesn't bother me considering I'm pretty much genderblind, I found out she had a crush on me. She didn't know I knew, but if it meant anything I didn't really care. It didn't change anything so long as she didn't make a move. But for some reasonn within the last couple of weeks she ousted me as a scapegoat for all her problems. My 'infleunce' caused her to be mean to others, it caused her to treat others horribly even though for the most part I never condoned her actions towards other people. She was and is a bully to the core. Always has been. Me being the coward I am crawled my way in and used her a shield. Perhaps I deserve it for that, but it always made me nauseous to do the shit she did to people. She was never physically violent, most of her tactics were immature such as hiding shit and stupid crap like that. The worst thing was that she would sit there and blatantly state that she was 'manipulating' people. And she really was. Once she was done with them she'd start treating them like crap. It was sickening and I always told her how much of a bitch she was but her ego was to big to care. The other thing that really pissed me off is that when she's tired of someone or starts disliking someone – for example, because they start dating one of her friends (basically in group dating), she casts them out. Refuses to talk to them and of course considering she's the so-called 'leader' everyone follows her. In those times, I was her bitch, her lap dog, her 'best friend'. I hated myself for putting up with it for so long. So I started getting distant, mosting because she was pushing away my friends. And because I was no longer following her every plea and whim, she started to 'realize' how much of a bad person she was and decided that she would change her. Which is fine. What pissed me off though was that she was going around telling everybody that my 'influence' over her was what started it. With this excuse – though she denies it as that, she apologized to the people she outcasted and was rude to making me look like the bad guy. I acknowledge that maybe I had some influence in her opinions, but I never agreed with the crap she did as a result of those opinions. But what really got me was the fact that she had to use me, her 'best friend' to apologize to everyone else.

This was all going on behind my back and just found out about it, and had my suspicions. I knew what she was like when she was getting ready to oust someone. I could read the signs so I asked a friend in our group that I could trust. Once I found out I got so angry I panicked. I had a Panic Attack; these usually occur when I can't handle my emotions and this was by far the angriest I'd felt in a long time. Since then I have not spoken a word to her, I've stepped down, retreated. Why should I try anymore? It was doomed to fail eventually. But, for some reason she's continuously trying to make my few friends left hate me. I honestly just wish they would stop, drop it, forget I exist.

I don't react in front of them. I put up a cold front, but they insist of complaining and blaming me even though I'm not even associated to them anymore. I get so angry when I think about it. So angry I get scared and I have no idea what to do other than panic. I don't want to act on it and be petty and vicious. I don't want to be her. I just want it to stop so I can move on with my life properly. And I'm trying. I'm happier without her and the group, when I don't get reminded of them, of her. I am truly relieved that she no longer dominates my life. But the anger of betrayel is something that burns constantly. I want it to go away.


 

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