My grandma died today. My mom called and my boyfriend's mom picked up the phone and then told me afterwards. When she first told me I told her no and I honestly thought that it was just a horrible joke. The doctor's had given her 6 months to a year to live without any treatment. She had finished all of her kemo and treatment for the cancer in her neck and then they found more in her lungs. But it was slow growing like the one in her throat. Then she started getting black outs and fainting spells. Then they found out that she had a sinus infection. I guess that you actually have 3 sinuses, two on your face and one that connects to your brain. She had the infection on the thrid one, the one that connects to your brain. Also her the only main vein that she had left going to her brain was 79% clogged. The doctors said that they could fix everything but she said that she didn't want any treatment. She said "Whenever they fix one thing, another thing comes up that they need to fix."

Even though the doctors gave her 6months to a year to live we all assumed that she'd live another 5 or 10 years. When she first had cancer doctors told her that she probably wouldn't make it through treatment, but she lived 2 more years.

But she died this morning. It was 7am and my sister who lives with her came in to check on her (she's usually up and about at 6am) and my grandma opened her eyes a bit and then closed them and died. I cried for a bit.

I feel really bad because I feel like I should be crying more or something. I cried for a few minutes and then went on with my day. I think that it hasn't really hit me fully that she's dead. My mom just called me and told me when we are going to spread her ashes. My mom really wants me there with her and the family. My boyfriend's mom offered to pay for a one-way plane ticket and said that if I wanted to come back that I'd be on my own for buying the ticket. My mom was very shocked when she heard that his mom offered to pay for a plane ticket. Then my mom asked if my boyfriend was coming, I told her no and she said that if I changed my mind that me and him could stay with her. It was a bit weird because my mom REALLY dislikes my boyfriend with a passion. But my grandma's ashes are being spread on October 23rd so I have plenty of time to save up money for the ticket. I'm going to call my work and see how long I can get off and then place a road trip ticket asap.

The thing is, right now I'm not very sad about my grandma dieing. It probably sounds horrible to say but it's true. My grandma is with her dead family and friends and is really happy now and doesn't have to worry about her health anymore and can just relax and be happy. That's just my family's view on death. It's not something to morn, it's something to celelbrate. You celebrate the departed one's life and celebrate that they've passed on and are in a better place and that some day we will join them. We spread their ashes how they said they wanted them spread and then go have a party.

My mom said that most of the adults are just numb right now and all of my cousins are really depressed and burst into tears at random. I can't say I'm any better off right now. I feel like I should feel really sad, but then I just think about it all. She was 81 and died in her sleep like she wanted to. She's in a better place now and happy.

I'm really bad at mourning. I cry for a few minutes then cry when the ashes are spread and that's it. I don't really feel anything else. Then maybe a few months later I'll be sitting there by myself and think about it all and cry a bit and then maybe a few months after that it happens again. But that stops after so long. Hopefully I get like a week off of work. Then I can help out with my family more and also get to see everyone.