I feel myself getting ever closer, every day to the edge of this abyss. Going through the motions of life, but I'm not living.
It all started when I lost my job, and with it, I feel like they took my identity. I used to be proud, I'm "bla bla at bla bla bla" and it was the title, and I HAD something, and now there's just nothing. I did some temp work, still am to survive and I start college in a week… But nothing excites me anymore. I don't want to see most of my friends, only if I have to. The ones I do see are a constant weed supply, because that's all I want. I don't want to function sober because sober means FEELING. (Mind you, I still am sober all day to complete the tasks that I have to… I am capable of pulling myself together long enough to not completely screw up my life.)
I've always had complicated relationships. Tend to go long periods without a steady boyfriend, but always someone to spend time with. Now, I don't want to have sex sober. I don't want to sleep with people I've slept with before, because it's not new and there is no excitement. To prevent ya know, disease or just being a giant whore, I'm not sleeping with anyone right now. But, this is where it really begins.
I'm standing on a diving board… Behind me are my friends, my family, my sweet loving child, all the people who care about me, and they're all smiling, arms out, waiting for me to come back.
Below me is a swirling mass of confusion and hurt and hate, contempt, anger… I keep edging forward, closer and closer to everything I should avoid. I know I need to turn around, but my toe gets closer to that line between right and wrong.
By tomorrow night, I'll have made a choice. I'm just afraid that if I make the wrong one, I'm finally going to take this dive…. And once I'm in, there is no coming back.