**parts may trigger some**

so its monday morning, and i have to get up to get ready for work in about half an hour. yay? pfft. had yesterday off, well, i was sick.

why was i sick? self inflicted of course.

spent thursday afternoon/evening in the ER, had a cut that wouldnt stop bleeding, did it thursday morning, that and took an OD on NP… nothing new there. this probley wouldnt have affected me so much if i had not had to go to the ER,, i didnt really have much choice in the matter, i had an appointment with my phyc at3pm, and i ended up telling her, because it was still going.. and from there, the obviouse place for me was the ER. I didnt really want to tell her, but since it had not stopped by the time i had hopped and that i was going to have to explain the blood somehow.. I did contemplate cancelling the appointment, and i probley would have gone to a doctors or the ER on my own accord, but it was nice having someone else do it for me, given the state that i was in.

and the aftermath of all this. I feel much more down, and it just brings up the whole, i dont let anyone care, even if there are peole around me that are quite willing. i cought the bus home from the hospital, because i didnt want to call anyone to pick me up, because that would have involved me having to explain why i was there.

no one knows, except for my mate who was over on thursday morning, and this im still not happy about, and wouldnt have said anything too her, but it became a bit too obvious after a bit, oh and my phyc and a couple others.

i still feel like an idiot, and as much as accident happen, i feel i should be over this?

but it just makes me want to do more, it makes me want to just say fuck it to any progress i have made, which seems so minute and insignificant. trying just seems so tireing, so hard, so much eiser to just say fuck it and go backwards. . will I? right now, i dont care, but i guess i cant just give in.

i feel.. lonley, i feel like nothing, i want to just stay in bed, i dont want to have to need to make money, i dont want to want to travel, then making money to save wouldnt matter so much, but i do, i want to dissapear, i want to see the world. right now. i dont care though.

and one of my houemates moved out ( they broke up) ide say she was my bestmate, but i dont really know, i think maybe thats not the case, but perhaps no ones fault. anyways.. this doesnt matter, but i really hope that we can either get someone to move in, for the rent., and that he doesnt want to move out as well. i really dont want to have to move to mums just yet, i know its on the cards, but not for a good few more months…

bleh. 🙁 lets see what this week brings? really cant be fkd.:(