Hey everybody 🙂 (Yes, I shall smile just for you…)

I apologize that I haven't been very social lately. My anxiety has just not been able to take it, I guess. And for the most part it hasn't been high enough that I've needed to come here and talk about it. I guess I just haven't wanted to risk aggravating myself to the point of it getting higher again.

Anyway, but I'm scared now. I'm trying to tell myself to stop overreacting and to just not worry, but then I have this fear and guilt that maybe I should be worrying and I'd never forgive myself if I brushed it off like it was nothing if it is something…. Ugh.

Okay, my friend told me earlier today about wishing she were dead. She's told me this before and I understand it completely; I feel that quite often. She has OCD that is almost identical to mine, so…go figure. But somehow today it got me scared. Maybe just because she went offline right after that without telling me she was leaving. My guess is either she got kicked offline or her anxiety got to high for her to handle talking. I dunno. But it got me freaked out. Further, I know she didn't get any sleep last night. I know my anxiety goes way higher when I don't get sleep–it makes me more likely to do something stupid. I'm hoping and praying that she went to bed and has been sleeping for hours now; she definitely needs it.

Lately, I've been able a lot of the time to tell my obsessions of this kind of nature to just shut up. But this one won't go away. Of course, it sure didn't help that I just watched a Law & Order: SVU that ended with a woman killing herself. Then there's the fact that I'm going to a friend's place/to work tomorrow, so I won't be home to see if my friend comes online…. And then…my other best friend has been dealing withthe sudden death of a close friend the last few days…. I guess it's just got me paranoid and freaked out. Ugh.

Hoping the butterflies leave my stomach. I'm trying to live here! I'm a little afraid to go to bed,too. Idon't want to sleep. I'm afraid I'll have nightmares….