Gah. What does it matter? Why am I here? As if this will help. Sorry…that was awfully negative of me.

My boyfriend lives in a different city. There are times when I go days without hearing from him. (Hehas trouble paying his bills at times, thus doesn't always have internet/phone services, and has been taking onodd jobs, thus ends up working odd hours, etc.) In the past, this has caused some stress at times, but nothing like what is going on right now.

There is no reason to believe that I won't hear from him again. There is no reason to believe…anything bad. He himself has anxiety and OCD, so has sometimes recently goneseveral days without talking to me simply because he was so depressed.

Naturally, these things would be stressful. But this time I havegone into horrible panic attacks. It keeps coming back. My heart rate will just go wild and I cannot calm it down for a long time. It's okay at the moment. But I know it will get worse again.

There is no reason to believe that he might have given up on me and lost interest or found someone else or…gaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Of course anything is a possibility; I'm not stupid. But love is a gamble. I knew the risk I was taking in choosing to love him. I am not naive or anything.

Sorry…I'm rambling.

Anyway, I am trying to decide that it is okay to not know what will happen. I have decided this. But still the anxiety will not stop. It drives me mad!!!! Go to hell, you stupid damn fucking OCD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to die. I am sick of this. I am so weary of dealing with this. Why can't I just live my life? It's okay if life isn't perfect. It's okay if I don't know what's around the next corner. It's okay if there's pain and disappointment. I just…why do I have to get so anxious over it? Why do I have to get downright panic-stricken?

Panic is such a waste of energy!!! It's okay to be sad and it's okay to cry when I miss my sweetheart…. But why the exhausting panic and worry??? God, help me!!!!


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