This is a nice place….. Why did I stop coming here? I used to come all the time, so many good people, so many great conversations. I can't say exactly why I stopped coming. The OCD/Anxiety got much worse, even after the hospital stay and 3 months of inpatient. That's probably what contributed to my deciding to not come. (was it even a decision?)
Long story short, After my stint in the funnyfarm, I went back to work, only to be laid off after 12 yrs. That put my anxiety in a place that I never imagined. It got so bad, getting out of bed caused anxiety, I woke up with my heart pounding out of my chest on a regular basis, and the slightest things set me off. Now, I'm content to be sleeping, or laying around, doing nothing has been my way for about 2 months now. The wife is at her witts end, the kids are unhappy that I'm always unhappy, and then there's me. I don't even know what I feel. I should look for a job.
What brought me back here is simple. I need help. See, all my life I wanted a motorcycle (there's a connection, follow me for a second) and my wife tried to do something nice for me and signed me up for a weekend motorcycle course with the intent of buying a bike shortly after the class ends. Today was day two of the class. Day two of sitting on a motorcycle, on a closed course with 24 complete strangers. I did just fine in the exercises they ran us through, but the anxiety of 1 not knowing what they would want me to do next 2 not knowing anyone 3 unbelievably self conscious; it's just too much. I came home in another panic attack, heart racing, nerves blown out. I don't think I can go back tomorrow and I don't want a motorcycle any more. I don't want anything but to sleep. It's the only time I'm not anxious.
The ironic part here is that the OCD symptoms have been somewhat in check with my med cocktail. Hey, they got the combo right 25 yrs into the illness, I guess I should be happy for that.
I miss you guys, I really do. And it's times like these that I really need my friends around, and well, I did have a lot of good friends here. 🙁
Sorry, rereading this, I see I'm fragmenting my thoughts again, time to cut this short before I give you a headache.
-Bill
Hey, Billy Boy! I knew sooner or later I'd get to see you again. Excuse the typing…I'm on my new laptop and I loathe it. My comp is in the shop. Sounds like you've had a rough run of it. Me, too. You know, though, things get better. I know things are hard for you, the wife, and kids right now, but you've got to come together and talk. Reassure the kids–because we know no matter what they come first. Being laid off can be a blessing in disguise. It sounds like if you can afford it that some time off could be healthy–give you a chance to connect with the kids and your wife. And when you DO start looking for a job, you can't be discouraged easily–it's a tough economy and if you don't get hired it's not necessarily a reflection on you. Ya can't sleep your life away, though, babe. I think now that the weather is getting better you're going to be feeling a little bit more chipper. Get some sun. As for the motorcycle…I hate to say it, but with your losing your job and being likely on unemployment, I think it's probably for the best not to get a motorcycle (cost for the bike, the insurance etc., gear, etc.). That is unless the wife is rich. The class, though…oh, hon. You know…that's for fun. The guy could've told ya to drive through a building and you could've said "Nah, don't feel like it!" And lots of other people there probably didn't know anyone. You're awesome–might've been a good place to make friends. Also, it's a learning experience so everybody's probably self-conscious about speeding or making a mistake. You've got to believe in yourself and your abilities. You've got tons of skills. Don't wait too long to look for the job, but don't push yourself over the edge, either. As long as you have cash and are ok, continue therapy and working on improving yourself so you can be an example to the kids. You know something? I think in the morning you should tell your kids how you're feeling about motorcycle class…and then go, because it's an excellent lesson to them about facing up to your issues, Something they can carry through their lives. Whether you get a bike or not, you'll have shown them how to take charge. And even if you come home with another panic attack, you'll still have done something great for the kids. I know you…you can do it. Give yourself a chance. You'll be amazed at what you can do when you put your mind to it. Love you!