You never know how much your passions and missions in life keep you alive, until they’re crushed and taken away from you.

I’ve been a dedicated Christian since I was diagnosed poz in 2002. Once I got on some antidepressants and got my mental state right, I became fervent about serving God. I worshiped in private, I studied the Bible, I used my lyrical abilities and writing to make songs and devotionals, and I was attempting to minister to others with the intent of eventually becoming an evangelist. Making an impact on the world through my faith was my driving passion.

I had prayed for confirmations from the Lord regarding my gifts and callings in life, and He put people around me who seemed ordained to confirm and support the callings I had. But after a few years of believing what I was doing was God-ordained, the people I thought supported that calling all turned out to be quite shoddy. A record label I’d been hooked up with turned out to be more about revenue than they were about staying true to Christian music and ministry. They eventually asked me to compromise the message in my music. An evangelist I’d been learning from began making extremely controversial statements, false "prophecies" about various things, became very beligerent, and proved to be more interested in advancing his own opinions than he was advancing the biblical message. Some family members who had been Christian role models suddenly turned away to false doctrines and mystic, new age beliefs–even questioning the bible\’s accuracy. And lastly, a girl I thought God had sent me as a potential mate, became uninterested after she learned of my poz status.

In the aftermath of all this, I began to seriously question myself. Was I really meant to be a minister through rap music? Did I really have a higher purpose? Afterall, all the people that had been put in my life as seeming confirmations, turned out to be false. As my confidence in myself and God crumbled, I realized I could never be an effective evangelist, because I wasn\’t even certain if God was going to help me in my own life. How could I convince others? How was I supposed to get on stage and rap, when I couldn\’t even bring myself to go into my job and sell cars effectively? Had I been living in a dream world all this time? Were all my goals and dreams completely unrealistic, and was I now finally seeing reality?

For years after this, my religion became a thing of minimal commitment, instead of a driving passion. Depression plagued me no matter how many times the doctor increased my medications. I sincerely wondered if I was going to now live a meaningless, fruitless life, and never make any contribution to the Kingdom of my God. And if this was the case, would he even accept me into His Kingdom? Things that never bothered me before now crushed me with anxiety. Where was my money and food going to come from? How long would my health remain in tact? What would happen if my family’s car dealership collapsed? How on earth would I survive?

I seemed destined to live a life of futility, emotional instability, lack of self-control and faith, and die an early death, much like my alcoholic cousin had. This was the worst sentence you could’ve pronounced on me.

In hindsight, I realize what caused the collapse. My passion had been snatched away. The thing that had driven me (making an impact for God through my rapping and writing) was no longer viable, in my eyes.

I write this on no other blog except the Tribe blog, because as a person with HIV status, I realize how important having a driving passion is for keeping an ill person going. Since my passion was taken away, my mental status has suffered, my anxiety has increased, my diabetes has become uncontrolled, and my immune system has become weakened. In a sense, I had lost everything I was living for. (As a sidenote, you\’d be shocked at the level of sin you’ll entertain in your life when you have nothing to occupy your time.)

So I say, guard your passion! Whether it\’s activism, healthcare work, AIDS awareness, blogging, charity, ministry (though God would have you dedicating your life to making a mark for HIS Kingdom), don’t let anything stop you from or compromise the work you’ve dedicated your life to. And I say especially to Christian ministers: don’t allow yourself to be taken in sin. If you are publically shamed, and have to step down from ministry, what will keep you going from that point on?

Jesus said "it is better to give than it is to receive." I believe that is patently obvious in life. If you look at some of the biggest, most pampered celebrities, who\’ve lived lives of self-indulgence to the max, you will also find that many of them have sunk to the deepest levels of depravity and mental unrest. If you give your life selflessly to something bigger than yourself, you are at an advantage, and I believe your health will reap the benefits.

So please, at all costs, guard your passion!

-Matt