I feel like people shouldn’t have to deal with me, they shouldn’t have to deal with my depression, my anger, my abandonment issues. They shouldn’t have to deal with the level of crazy I am.

When I was younger, I thought that I was destined to be a really horrible person. Just a genuinely terrible, tries to ruin everyone’s life kind of person, I thought I’d grow up to be evil. So back then, thoughts of suicide would pop up. “You’re gonna cause so much pain eventually, the only way to spare them is by killing yourself.” Those thoughts were insidious, nearly impossible to 1. not act on them, and 2. convince myself that it wasn’t the right decision anyway. That I could try to be kind and nice, that evil is only evil actions.

But things have gotten worse this past year. I’m too aggressive, my anger spirals out of control, I have to physically let it out (on myself only, and furniture), and I’ve caught myself being controlling and jealous. And not to mention paranoid that everyone is trying to leave me.

And that’s not okay, sure it’s not okay that I have to experience the mental anguish that it is, but it is especially not okay that the people around me have to deal with it. They didn’t sign up for it.

So those thoughts are coming back, only this time they’re saying “See? You did turn out to be that bad person, just like you feared you would. You should have killed yourself then, spared everyone this craziness. You can still do it now tho, before it gets worse. Before everyone sees what an evil person you are. Spare them the controlling behavior, the anger, the moodiness. Don’t make them pick all of it up.”