I’m still low today… I cried more than I should have and the moments of feeling good have yet to stick but I drank water, ate, I left my bed, I did a chore… and I want to go back to bed. I want to mindlessly read the same story I have already read four times this month. I want to lay down and cry some more. But that is when the bad thoughts start and I have already had my bad thoughts quota for the day, thank you. I have plenty of things I should do. I should brush my teeth and hair. I should cut my nails so I stop picking. I should get dressed and walk my dog because that poor baby has been sitting patiently waiting for me to love her and play with her and feel better. I should clean the bathroom or do a load of laundry because the last two days of doctors appointments has put me behind the one schedule that I am even partially able to keep. I should be studying because I have 44 competencies left on my study sheet and it needs to be done by June 2 or else I’m waiting until fall to even sign up for my program. I should exercise because I’m supposed to exercise everyday to help cut down on my dark thoughts. I should clean my bedroom because it is a disaster and I do not want to be a hoarder one day. I should be sending emails and making phone calls and filling out forms so I can figure out which therapist in the area I should see. Because therapy looks like it is my best option because I don’t talk to my family without wanting to hurt myself rather than talk to a human being that loves me and wants me on this earth and I wish they had just been happy with my big brother because everything would be better if they hadn’t wanted a girl. I don’t want to exist today but not existing isn’t an option. I’m here, I’m real, I’m loved and there is nothing I can do about that. Mom thought I was getting better but I still just feel the same. I had a string of neutral days after starting my medication and now the streak is over I’m on day 13 and I want to disappear. I know when it comes to medication like this it can get worse before it gets better but it gave my mom hope and now I feel like I failed her. I sat on the bathroom floor typing this for the last 20mins.
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Bipolar Type 2
Skaughtizhere, , Depression, Addiction, Anger, Anxiety, Bipolar, Depression, Domestic Abuse, Grief, Psychosis, Relationships, Schizophrenia, Sleep Disorders, 0
Swinging bipolar (II) presumes at least one major depressive episode, plus at least one hypomanic episode over at least...
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The Other Woman
WomanScorned, , Depression, Anger, Anxiety, Child, Depression, Divorce, Parenting, Relationships, Stress, Therapy, 2
This is my first blog post. Ever. I'm not going to go back in time and recount everything that...
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How I went from Pro-Choice to Pro-Life
usaporkchops, , Depression, Child, Gambling, Questions, Relationships, Religion, 0
Today I read a few articles about abortion in an issue of the Pentecostal Evangel (http://pentecostalevangel.ag.org/Coverpages2007/4837_Dicianni_cvrpg.cfm). Here is a...
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Opening Up About My Past
westcoastapples, , Anxiety, Depression, LGBT, Teens, Anger, Anxiety, Bipolar, Child, Depression, Domestic Abuse, Grief, Medication, Relationships, Religion, Schizophrenia, Self Esteem, Sleep Disorders, Suicide, Therapy, 0
I was motivated to write this because I’ve seen a lot of people on here describe their pasts, situations,...
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Middle School
Shawtyname, , Addiction, Anxiety, Depression, Teens, Addiction, Domestic Abuse, Relationships, Self Esteem, Suicide, 0
In 6th grade, I got into my first abusive relationship. 6th grade. Young right? As I believe I mentioned...
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It''s Not Shocking
thebadkitty, , Depression, Anxiety, Depression, Relationships, 0
He wants to go to an open mic. I don’t want to go, but I am willing to humor...
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In The Moment, At The End
DanielTS, , Depression, Depression, Medication, Mindfulness, 0
This past year I have been learning to spend my time "in the moment". I have learned (and am...
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Random Blogness
Aspiretodream, , Depression, Depression, 0
I wish I could rid myself of my elusive behavior. When I'm happy I don't want to be. It's...
Sounds to me like you did a lot more than you give yourself credit for.
I agree with Dizz, being emotionally drained can make the body seem 2-3x heavier and it sounds like you’ve had a roller coaster of a week. So for now just look at the small steps as victories and focus on your self healing and getting use to the meds. Sending you a virtual hug 🙂