Thanks, guys. I try, but like today, my mom got a bit irritated with me. She’s like, stop crying, I get upset by that, and sick and tired, so I tried to keep myself together. I left the house then, went for a walk with the dog on the beach.
I sat there for about an hour, just watching the ducks and other birds, the dog running around enjoying herself, not listening to an audiobook or anything, just watching and thinking. Had a cigarette. Watched people go by. Just thinking. And then, realizing I didn’t get far, I went back to my mom’s house for dinner. She thyen guilted me into going to see my granmother. I made sure she saw the woolen socks iv’e destroyed (worn out in the toes), and made sure I got another pair before I left. I had my mom’s car, going home, first thing I did was to go to the pub, I didn’t even go home first, met some friends and stayed there. Stupid me. I don’t have the money to go there, or even the will, but sometimes I get too tempted, just to get away from thoughts and feelings. Sorry, guys, I guess I’m an alcoholic, trying to escape through the booze, being able to talk to people when I’m on a bit of a buzz. Dunno. I feel stupid to go out drinking, when I know I cannot afford it, and I have my dog to take care of, She’s out with me. That’s wrong. Now, I don’t know where to turn. Everything’s getting out of hand. Drinking, my economy, my health, my eating, cleaning, — everything. I know these things are easy for others, but for me it just stops. I feel awful, ashamed, guilty… All those bad feelings that crop up…. And I feel like it’s my fault, all of it.