I’m still low today… I cried more than I should have and the moments of feeling good have yet to stick but I drank water, ate, I left my bed, I did a chore… and I want to go back to bed. I want to mindlessly read the same story I have already read four times this month. I want to lay down and cry some more. But that is when the bad thoughts start and I have already had my bad thoughts quota for the day, thank you. I have plenty of things I should do. I should brush my teeth and hair. I should cut my nails so I stop picking. I should get dressed and walk my dog because that poor baby has been sitting patiently waiting for me to love her and play with her and feel better. I should clean the bathroom or do a load of laundry because the last two days of doctors appointments has put me behind the one schedule that I am even partially able to keep. I should be studying because I have 44 competencies left on my study sheet and it needs to be done by June 2 or else I’m waiting until fall to even sign up for my program. I should exercise because I’m supposed to exercise everyday to help cut down on my dark thoughts. I should clean my bedroom because it is a disaster and I do not want to be a hoarder one day. I should be sending emails and making phone calls and filling out forms so I can figure out which therapist in the area I should see. Because therapy looks like it is my best option because I don’t talk to my family without wanting to hurt myself rather than talk to a human being that loves me and wants me on this earth and I wish they had just been happy with my big brother because everything would be better if they hadn’t wanted a girl. I don’t want to exist today but not existing isn’t an option. I’m here, I’m real, I’m loved and there is nothing I can do about that. Mom thought I was getting better but I still just feel the same. I had a string of neutral days after starting my medication and now the streak is over I’m on day 13 and I want to disappear. I know when it comes to medication like this it can get worse before it gets better but it gave my mom hope and now I feel like I failed her. I sat on the bathroom floor typing this for the last 20mins.