I barely have it together today. I know I’m PMS-ing, but recent events have rattled my nerves and I am starting to hate everything. I know this too shall pass, I trust in the Lord to lead me out of the Darkness, but I’m still in it. My oracle card for today is the Full Moon in Pisces, “Balance spirituality and practicality.” That’s a tough one for me. I’m usually all up in the spirituality of things, head in the clouds. Balance. Ok. I’ll try.
I dropped my external keyboard this morning and some of the keys broke off. I can’t find them. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back… my bedroom blind is torn, I have to stake it up with my broomstick and it looks terrible. I hate the sink in the bathroom, it’s all stained and I can’t figure out from what. Things in this RV keep fraying, cracking, breaking. Like it’s trying to expel us. I’ve had enough, it says. We’ve lived in it here for eight years.
There are other things bothering me which I would rather not write about here. Things I’d rather sweep under the rug. I broke my glasses yesterday too. My handy husband glued them back together and they’re nearly perfect again. But I’m tired of things falling apart. I am so ready to move into a house. We don’t really have any furniture, just a mattress, small table, hope chest and headboard. I don’t care. I’d rather eat on the floor of a house than eat one more meal in this RV. I am DONE.
I’ve steeped myself in practicality this morning. Time for some spirituality. I’ll do my five-minute meditation to start with, then I’ll do some visualization. I’ve prayed my prayer to St. Anthony to find my lost keyboard keys. Thankfully it’s just Esc and F1, neither of which I use at all. I’m having a magickal cup of Shadyrest tea. It’s very soothing. So I will put the difficult things out of my mind, there’s nothing I can do about them right now. And just carry on with my meditations, maybe some spiritual reading (I have a couple books by theologian Matthew Fox).
I pray for peace, for myself and for the greater community. I pray for my husband to have a good day. God help us all. Blessed Be and Amen.
I feel like a mess all the time because I have a house. Something is always broken or looking shabby. 15 years here and I’m ready to live in an RV I can park in the trees and just relax in the shade instead of looking at all the yardwork and housework I should be doing.
I know if I sell it I can’t afford anything nearly as nice now that the prices are outrageous. Keeping my loan interest rate low is also keeping me trapped in a town that I spent most of my adolescence trying to escape. I’m only here because I can’t abandon my mom.
I should feel grateful to own a mortgage that’s affordable anywhere. There are brief moments I capture that gratitude, and then it fades as everyone I want to spend time with is a plane ticket and hotel stay that I can’t afford away.
I wonder why. I accept God’s plan is ineffable. Then I feel like I should be doing more. It’s a cycle I go through.
It sounds like you do also. So I thought I would share what it’s like to have a brick home, be needed a particular place, and need the job that can pay for it all.
As far as my things I would like to sweep under the rug, my cigarette smoking is the thing that makes me happiest. That’s embarrassing. So I quit yesterday and joined this chat group today. It’s going to be hard because I feel like I should be allowed to have a little happiness and who cares if it’s just a cigarette. There’s another part of me that believes I won’t be trapped forever and I want to be able to swim in the ocean and hike in the rainforest whenever I escape this desert. That’s the wolf I need to feed.