I feel like my depression is like a pendulum. Swinging in and out of my life constantly. One day I'm doing just fine and the next…it's bad, really bad at times. It hits me so hard and quick.
Sundays seem to be the worst days. I usually come home Friday night and go back to school Sunday evening. I've been doing this nearly weekly since August. Why am I not used to it yet? Why is it so hard for me?
I just want to go back to my old friend, cutting. But I know if I do that, I'd have to hide it from everyone. I don't have a counselor I feel I can confide in. I'm scared if I tell my school's counselor, she'll send me home. Like I've said before this school is not a regular college. It's a vocational school for people with disabilities.
And on top of all that, my counselor I used to see when I was at home left the place where I saw her. I felt I could really trust her and talk with her. She didn't jump when I said I had dark thoughts. She didn't push me into things I didn't feel comfortable with. If not for her, I wouldn't be going to this school. I wouldn't have been ready to go when my time finally came to leave. It just seems so unfair that people seem to exit my life before I'm ready for them to leave. I've been through so many therapists, I've lost count but the good ones never last long it seems.
I feel so alone and different. I have a friend over now from school and she and I have alot in common but we are also very different. She's so happy and bubbly. I envy her at times and I hate it.
I just want to…I don't know. End life, cut and get drunk and be carefree for a damm minute.