I'm feeling really delicate at the moment so my sponsor has suggested another bedroom sippers/turn to God day and to be honest
I don't think I've got the energy for anything else. I'm going to go back to sleep after this post, not set an alarm and wake up when I'm
ready. When I get up I'm going to have a long soak in a bubble bath and if I feel up to it take myself off to the cinema with my lunch and later get to a meeting.
I'm feeling so much different stuff, it feels like my disease is really having a go at the moment, yesterday it was around my finances and how I'll survive at college. Today it's about the lack of people in my life and loneliness. I was in a very poorly co- dependent female friendship which I found the strength to walk away from about 4 months ago (when the pain gets enough eh) and there is a gaping hole where my boyfriend was, other than that there are a couple of people who are friends I'm close to and lots of
acquaintances in my life. I guess being at work full time used to mask this somewhat, so not being at work now as left a void too. One which I just don't have the energy to fill right now.
Ordinarily I quite like my own company, but my head will use anything to get me to self destruct, pull me apart, make me feel apart from, outside, lonely, isolated, lost and frightened because given that set of circumstances my solution very quickly moves away from one of recovery and looks for something else …destructive relationships, compulsive spending, compulsive eating, drinking alcohol and taking drugs and so on!
I went to a newcomers AA meeting last night and it really helped to get out of self and it reminded me just how much I have to be grateful for. I found it quite uncomfortable when quite a few different people commented on my weight, how much I'd lost and they were asking what diet was following. I'm starting to realise how much more acceptance I have around my compulsive eating because I was able to say that I'd surrendered my eating disorder and was working a program around it, and that I didn't know how much weight I'd lost because as part of my program I only weigh once a month. I didn't feel ashamed to admit that. I think it's because these days I'm living in a solution that works.
I am grateful to be abstinent because I'm being given the opportunity to be present for my life, to feel this stuff and grown through it, the reality is that I have the power to stop these feelings right now, I could push them down with food, but in recovery I'm presented with a choice, a choice to turn to God and work my program or a choice not to and follow a quick descent back to a living hell. I'm choosing life today (uncomfortable as it is sometimes).