I have not been looking at the world clearly for that long…my days of sobriety are few, I know it isnt about the quantity but the quality…I am blessed and plagued at the same time with a depth of  intellect and a grasp of all of this…what I need to do and even for the most part how to get there…The path is not easy when you feel unworthy of the second chance.  though I continue to torture myself and can not let go of somethings…I see my impatience getting the best of me at times.   I made it a point throughout using to be very selctive about who "I" allowed in and to know me…To see the real me, No to see the "Hurt and Injured" me…See i still live in all of that hurt…I need to let it go, but if I do then you wont be there, you could not possibly like or even love me, when was hurt someone would come and kiss it an make it better…I want to be better, but I dont want to hurt anymore…I stay in this suspended state of pain well no I choose to keep beating myself up, waiting for someone to come…If I stopped this cycle maybe I could love Me?  But why or even how? I know I am a good person, nice, compassionate and all of those good qualities, hard working (Though since I lost my job the day I went into rehab that makes it not so clear at times)  This little kid inside so needs to make that leap of faith to becomming an adult and growing up among other things…There is so much I dont let "ME' feel or enjoy, for fear that I will let is consume me, that I will enjoy something.  Why do I deserve it? Maybe just because I am so gun shy of the way I was and I still am looking for the approval of others, that in itsself is kind of funny, weather surronded by people or ALONE, I am still looking for that.  Even as I put this out to the tribe I wonder for minute of I update to much, talk about too much stuff that is not relavant to anything.  I sit and try to tell it like it is…I came out of rehab and have a much better life..That life is forever changed…I am no longer surronded by a wife and kids.  I live by myself.  when my kids come to visit or even when I see Bern, or the few people that I consider to be a friend to me though everyone cares and whatnot the undeniable fact is I will sit here and remember that my marriage is done, I have yet to figure out how to love my kids or anyone for that matter…the world continues to turn and I want to just get on….I need to find me so I dont feel so alone…

1 Comment
  1. jefwheels 14 years ago

     Nothing is clear Mike when we first get clean. Sometime even with years, things are a little unclear. These two things I know for sure. Sharing with other by writing or talking is a necessary thing in order to heal. We all feel less then and un-worthy. That changes too when we understand that GOD DON”T MAKE JUNK!. Remember that one? Anyway Mike, you just keep doing what you’re doing. Meetings, sharing, praying, helping, others and going to meetings. I said that one twice on purpose. Stay strong and clean my brother.  Johnny Wheels        

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