I have not been looking at the world clearly for that long…my days of sobriety are few, I know it isnt about the quantity but the quality…I am blessed and plagued at the same time with a depth of intellect and a grasp of all of this…what I need to do and even for the most part how to get there…The path is not easy when you feel unworthy of the second chance. though I continue to torture myself and can not let go of somethings…I see my impatience getting the best of me at times. I made it a point throughout using to be very selctive about who "I" allowed in and to know me…To see the real me, No to see the "Hurt and Injured" me…See i still live in all of that hurt…I need to let it go, but if I do then you wont be there, you could not possibly like or even love me, when was hurt someone would come and kiss it an make it better…I want to be better, but I dont want to hurt anymore…I stay in this suspended state of pain well no I choose to keep beating myself up, waiting for someone to come…If I stopped this cycle maybe I could love Me? But why or even how? I know I am a good person, nice, compassionate and all of those good qualities, hard working (Though since I lost my job the day I went into rehab that makes it not so clear at times) This little kid inside so needs to make that leap of faith to becomming an adult and growing up among other things…There is so much I dont let "ME' feel or enjoy, for fear that I will let is consume me, that I will enjoy something. Why do I deserve it? Maybe just because I am so gun shy of the way I was and I still am looking for the approval of others, that in itsself is kind of funny, weather surronded by people or ALONE, I am still looking for that. Even as I put this out to the tribe I wonder for minute of I update to much, talk about too much stuff that is not relavant to anything. I sit and try to tell it like it is…I came out of rehab and have a much better life..That life is forever changed…I am no longer surronded by a wife and kids. I live by myself. when my kids come to visit or even when I see Bern, or the few people that I consider to be a friend to me though everyone cares and whatnot the undeniable fact is I will sit here and remember that my marriage is done, I have yet to figure out how to love my kids or anyone for that matter…the world continues to turn and I want to just get on….I need to find me so I dont feel so alone…
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Keep coming back
jjrocksarizona, , Addiction, Depression, 0
wow man i have to say that there has truly been some dysfunctional blogs written lately. you know i...
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16 days sober!
Jen3467, , Addiction, Addiction, Domestic Abuse, PTSD, Relationships, Self Esteem, Therapist, 2
I feel wonderful, and so full of pride! I did get bad news yesterday, my therapist is leaving…so I...
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Changing Perceptions
kater, , Addiction, Sleep Disorders, Spirituality, 0
I didn't really know myself, my true self, until I went through the steps. Don't get me wrong, I'm...
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Live your life
jjrocksarizona, , Addiction, Anger, Chronic Pain, Spirituality, 0
somedays it's a struggle in our recovery to just work on ourselves. as a person with a few days...
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10 Ideal Christmas Gifts for People in a Rehab
RehabForTeens, , Addiction, Addiction, Relationships, 0
Making friends and relatives in rehabs feel appreciated is one way of helping them recover. Presenting gifts to them...
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None
marienda408, , Addiction, 0
My mind is twirling, The gears turning,Generating thoughts Trying to rebuild,To finally be strong,And to be something important,And worth...
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toxic parents, friends and relationships.
exochxi, , Addiction, Anxiety, Teens, Addiction, Relationships, Religion, Self Esteem, Sex Therapy, Sleep Disorders, 2
My Parents are strict and i´m not allowed to have a Boyfriend or to even talk to Boys. They´re...
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What to say…
Snowbird, , Addiction, 0
Partying doesn't involve the word "fun" for me. I have a few aquaintences that may or may not be...
Nothing is clear Mike when we first get clean. Sometime even with years, things are a little unclear. These two things I know for sure. Sharing with other by writing or talking is a necessary thing in order to heal. We all feel less then and un-worthy. That changes too when we understand that GOD DON”T MAKE JUNK!. Remember that one? Anyway Mike, you just keep doing what you’re doing. Meetings, sharing, praying, helping, others and going to meetings. I said that one twice on purpose. Stay strong and clean my brother. Johnny Wheels