Last night was a good night. I did not go to bed before my 2 year old which is saying a lot because normally I hit the sheets as soon as dinner is made and the kids are fed. No last night I managed to stay up, we ordered pizza and I gave the toys a bath. We cuddled and watched a movie and for once I was not feeling so lonely. After I got my 2 year old to bed I even managed to lay in my bed and read a bit of a book that I have been trying to finish for about 6 months now. And the best part of it all is that I did it without thinking about taking pills or being grumpy that I am no longer taking pills, or being sad that no one around understands how hard it is to go each day without taking pills. I am so glad that my children will never have to know a pill addicted mother. I am so glad that they are too young to remember the nights that I was across the street getting wasted and not at home taking care of them like I should have been. I am so glad they will never have to see me so hungover that I can’t get up out of bed to take care of them. They will never remember the 5 days that I spent in rehab or the 3 days before that that I spent unconscious because I was self-medicating waiting for the recovery center to get me in. I am thankful that I still have my job. I am thankful that I still have my husband; I think any other man would have left me by now epically after knowing some of the things that I did, such as taking pills during my pregnancy with our second child. That still weighs a lot on my mind. Every other Wednesday we have a speech therapist come over to work with baby Dallin to help us get him talking. I can’t say that we have made any progress yet, but I am hopeful. I wish I could tell his therapist how important to me that it is that she gets him talking and be able to explain why, but that would just be silly, we need to get Dallin talking for Dallin not just to appease my guilt. I think that once he talks a lot of this weight that I am carrying around will fall off my shoulders.


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