So right now im currently alone, I’m alone when I go to bed, I’m alone when I go to work, I’m alone when I wanna go eat and I’m alone with my thoughts. Its been a year since my last relationship. I wanted to move on. Not quickly but at a pace. Talk to a few people, hangout with a few people but not date loong term.
I wanted to work on my self my reactions, my moods, my intentions, and my motives. My last relationship became what it was because I was lonely and I wanted to be loved. During that time I had a lot going on, so i was seeking someone who wanted me. Notice that I said “Who wanted me.” I didn’t have the im totally in love with you feeling for him. I was honestly thinking I could grow to love him. Then 5 years passed. Did I love him? Yeah I loved him for alot of things. Did I respect him? sometimes depending on the situation, because sometimes he was stupid.
Now that he is no longer in my life I have engaged with other people. An ex-ex boyfriend, and two men who already have kids. I talk to all three of them as if the others do not exist. I like that I can talk to all of them with out feeling tied down. The two fathers I have not met up in person. I have met them first but I have not seen them since we were in school together.
However I have seen my ex-ex boyfriend we have had intimate on 6 different occasions. Mostly in his car but I would hate to explain to you how hard it is to get privacy where I live and the area I am from. I think im pretty attached to him because we have met face to face. He left to work about a month ago and I don’t want to make contacting each other a big deal. So I don’t reach out to him or talk to him until he reaches out for me. I have before constantly text him, constantly seek him out but then I got negative reactions from him. I wanna say I really like this guy but he only contacts me when he wants to hangout after 10pm. I have more respect for myself. I will i still let him pick me up this evening at 11pm? yes but only because I havent gotten laid in months.
One of the guys who is a father lets call him O. O has been discharged from the Army, has 9 year old son, hot ass baby mama, and is jobless right now. He is the most sweetest and very kind to me. Compliments me and messages me good morning and good night. He reaches out to me constantly. We haven’t met in person but we have exchanged numbers and have talked on the phone. I like him. I told him I liked him. I also told him i’m not looking for a relationship right now. He has made it clear he has feeling for me and I’ll admit that I want him oto stay in my life at a distance for my own purposes. He is so attractive and the connection between us is so nice. I like his thoughts, his actions, how he presents himself, his morals and more.
I just want to grow a little more. I want to finish my degree. I know if I am in a relationship I will end up making my relationship my top priority like I have before. I put it above my job, my family, my friends and my own success. I hate when I’m in love. I hate it so much because I crave it, I let it consume me and I bury myself in making my partner happy. So in someway I’m addicted to love. No matter if is healthy, toxic, good for me, bad for me, holds me back, brings me up, or leaves me lonely.
I just end up hurting myself even though I read all the signs.
So i’m taking my time while staying busy talking to other people. my biggest priority right now is me.