I posted on a different site a few days ago and now im posting it here for diverse opinions.
I wish my brain would calm down. I can't make sense of any of it. I think it is largely in part due to not having my needs met. I crave attention in any way shape or form. I just need to be acknowledged in some way that makes me reassured that you like me. I have needed this from friends and boyfriends throughout my life. I didn't ask to be neglected harshly growing up or bullied. I am constantly feeling as i am worthless again. I don't know if it is in my head or someone is encouraging it , sometimes i feel the person who sesm to care about me most is encouraging these negative thought patterns and i can't stop it. 🙁 I struggle with staying friends with this person and i also struggle with romantic feelings…could this be why i don't get teh reassurance i need b/c i want more than what they do? There were so many tell tale signs, the smiles the pokes, the closeness, the long talks, staying over till ungodly hours that it would defeat the purpose of staying over b/c we hardly slept. Him sharing his life with me, his art, his past, his loves and dislikes ….it's all for moot it seems. The thing is i know that is isnt easy for him to open up or even share his house with people unless its a roommate. His house is his escape. That in itself makes me feel priveledged to be let into his bubble.This was right before he invited me to go to Europe with him to see Spain and accompany him to a wedding in Switzerland. I thought that was THE sure sign he wanted something more…everyone else seemed to think so. They kept asking me if i was sure he was just a friend. Well, it was just that, a friendly trip.
BACKTRACK- We had a thing over a year ago. A yr and a lil over 2 months to this day. ONe romantic encounter induced by alcohol and then i told him i wanted to stay friends b/c again no sign of affection. WHY am i looking for it again if it didnt work out the first time? ONE i am a glutten for punishment. TWO I got to know him a hell of a lot more and became enthralled by his unique ways. He is a hybrid of a man. THREE All the things he started to do for me. FOUR The way we made eachother laugh FIVE Feeling chemistry again, feeling lust again. That is why i started to get interested again.
BACK TO THE NOW: OR maybe he liked the attention knowing full he wasn't interested in any other light than what was. I don't know…sometimes i think it is both and they are fighting eachother. Friendship vs. more and it's almost as if the mediator is the killer. The mediator kills both possibilities so there is no more debating. This signifys ending the relationship i have with this friend. I feel like killing it off sometimes. Just leaving it for dead and moving on b/c right now i have no longer gotten any possitive reinforcement. I feel like things i say make that person touchy. I feel myself getting further and further subdued and confused. I am no longer clever, funny or interesting compared to the level i was. I still like being with this person but i have found myself getting upset every time i am with them, in the end. I'm sure it has a lot to do with wanting more but sometimes it seems as if my weakness may empower him in some way, that when i react to his entertaining endevours that is really all the goal is and he is reassured another day. Maybe we both crave attention beyond teh realm of what we can both provide. I dont know… I don't know why i even think about it this strongly. Well i do, b/c he has done so much for me in the way of well… everything. He has gotten me out of plenty of binds and only once ever asked me for gas money…when he was dirt poor without a job. I offer more, but he refuses. He does a lot but this kid is emotionally MOOT. He just doesnt show affection at all, i mean even friends do that at times. There was once a time where i cried over SA and he just rationally talked to me but not once did he comfort me physically. I theorize this is b/c he doesn't want to give me the impression that he wants more than friendship but then i think maybe he just doesn't know how. UGH, what is wrong with me???I sound obsessive. I shoudl just delete this whole blog. Sigh
I try to rationalize all the good he does with all the hurt i feel and i come up with nothing but my heart wants what it can't have. He is my only good friend and a part of me really doesn't want to lose him. I tried breaking away once with my pushing away technique that im notorious for and he got upset and said things like "you are going to end a whole friendship over that? " He seems genuinely upset, but is it b/c he doesnt have a good friend right now and i am filling that hole for him or is it b/c he really actually will miss me?
Also, he tends to have lots of different friendships with girls. WHY? Why so many? It wouldn't be such a problem if he wasn't attracted to each and every one of them. I know this for fact. I feel like im in a competition even just for friendship and nothing more. The man is 35 but doesn't act or look it. He is handsome and everyone knows it. Ugh. It's like im a teenager fighting for the popular boy. i think in some ways he still is in the teenage mentality emotionally. He's never had a SERIOUS relationship that lasted over a yr and only one that did last a yr when he was in college. I know you are thinking: "oh this is girl is in lust" but it is much more than that. There are just so many conflicting thoughts and i have to put a stop to it, but i dont knwo how without completely terminating the problem. I do not want to tell him how i feel b/c it will make things very awkward. The other day i was thinking i shoudl just come on to him have a fling thing and be done with it since the connection is dwindling near death. Then i came to my senses and realized i cared about him too much to treat him that way. i only think these thoughts when i feel bitter and at a loss for a remedy. I still have fun with him but it is a frustrating kind of fun where you feel as iff you are walking on egg shells with superglue the sometimes. This feeling only just transpired the other day. ( very strongly anyway) I wish i knew what to say or do. I don't want to feel like this anymore…. it's exhausting. It makes me so sad and i wish it would just go back to the way it was when it was alot of fun and i didnt examine every last thought to it's bitter conclusion. 🙁 I feel obsessed and borderline crazy. I also feel like this is what unrequited love may feel like…
If anyone actually read through all of this, i don't expect sound advice as i'm sure it was very confusing. How ca it make sense to you if it still doesn't compute in my head? sigh. It felt good to vent all that. It's been a long time…