So…how is everyone? Again sorry I haven't updated entries as much as I wanted to, But I was just drowning last week and couldn't form the blur I call thoughts into words.
Anyway, so last week I had to work with a group in my English class, I sorta knew them from middle school but they were just 'classmates' y'know? So anyway, They were VERY social, and It was killing me to keep my panic attack hidden.
One of them- Andy, knows my brother so he was like "Aren't you Jonathan's sister?" I could only nod, and so then he starts to ask me a bunch of questions, normal stuff really
Like, what was my favorite band, favorite song,etc…yet to me I just wanted to burst out crying because I didn't want all this attention placed one me. Then when we were working, I was in charge of writing everything (so that I wouldn't have to orally present)
and the three of them (Madison, Kayla, and Andy) kept talking to each other, and I just kept to myself and decided to work on the rest of the work and writing part myself simply because I didn't want to bug them, y'know?
Then suddenly Andy was like "Are you okay Andrea?' and my heart stopped for a moment, because I'm simply used to people not noticing or simply not caring. I told him I was fine- which was a huge lie
(also, Whenever I answered their questions I felt like I did so awkward…and apparently, those three had asked to be in my group since I was out so much and whatever…again I don't know how I should take that…)
so he was like "You sure?" and again I only nodded my head, My voice was just gone, and it kept everything in me to try to look calm on the outside. Needless to say when that class period was over, before my next classes I had a meltdown in the restroom, and ended up cutting 'Stupid freak' into my thigh.
I know I shouldn't have so please just don't start lecturing me ok?
I had to work in that group all week, and I did get out of orally presenting, but the tables had been moved into groups right, and our teacher hasn't moved them back, and it's torture.
Then, Wednesday it was my 'accommodation' meeting with my teachers since I had missed so much school, I naturally wasn't there because of my anxiety and I just couldn't handle it.
Though it went alright, And I have a game plan on what to do to make up the work i've missed. Though I feel they're only doing it out of pity because my mom told them what's happened to me- well what she KNOWS anyway- and what not…
I hate pity.
Anyway, so that's how last week went….and This weekend I had to get a new phone because after a painfully slow death my phone died. Also, I'm VERY anxious about tomorrow…
Why you ask?
Because Maddie B. (Not the normal Maddie I talk about, Her and Kim sadly go to another school…) sent me a message on facebook, saying she hasn't seen much of me since middle school and stuff but she's seen my brother and whatever
Long story short, She asked if I wanted to join her during lunch period tomorrow since we both have B lunch…Again I don't know if it's out of pity or not…or if i'm a burden on her…which I feel I am..
I couldn't say no though- I didn't want to be mean…I always suck at saying no when it comes to that, even though situations like that will be the death of me…I'm so used to sitting somewhere in the corner alone at lunch, so i'm not seen…so I don't know how i'm going to survive this….
Like I had said earlier in the shoutbox
Really getting past the point of "Why even bother?" getting to the point of "Why-and how- the fuck am I still even here?" : So tired of this.
I don't want to keep 'fighting' anymore, Because it just feels like i'm losing the battle in every way there is, y'know what I mean?
Well..I guess i'll let you know how tomorrow goes…Hope everyone in the tribe is doing alright…Talk to later and have a good night…