The Great Unrest
When times get hard, especially times as these, it is very easy to obsess over all the negative or the shitty things that are going on in your life. Its at sad times when you feel the depths of your loneliness, you hear the cries of desperation in every word you utter… you feel hopeless. My greatest disappointment is not my anxiety issues or hearing problems. Its not my weight or food issues. Its me feeling like I have NO CONRTOL over any of it. So I pretend that the problem isn’t there. I spend most of my time thinking of reason why I shouldn’t do something- even if its good for me, like having a proper bed schedule or going to the gym. I come up with soo many excuses. And I know part of it is the depression. That underlying cloud of darkness that lingers around me from time to time. But part of it is my will. I don’t fight for my self. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am. How can someone 25 years old, not know “ who they are”.
Im a liar. I make promises to my self ever night that tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow will be a new day. I will get things done. Maybe I can do better today. Something different. Because what ever this is… it just isnt working.
I want to be connected to myself again. I need to feel one with myself.
– 8 hours of sleep if it kills me
– Walk 30 mins a day to increase once its regular
– Keep my room tidy
– Keep myself tidy
– Go back to school to work on my masters
– Get a fulltime job
Will blog again later.