I feel subtly depressed, not so much as when I was eating sugary cereal this morning.  I enjoyed the french toast without maple syrup – GAWD I sound priss – but the cereal was just too much.  I think this depression stems from who I am and who I want to be.  My sister, my mom they all like sugar eating food as if with not a care in the world.  Well, I guess it’s sugary relative to my likes and now even my likes are changing and it feels scary because 1) I take myself so seriously and 2) I don’t know if it’s me or just some anorexia override talking (and its always been like that; everytime there’s a change going on in my life – food is right there – central- asking me what I want.  It’s not about food, though.  It never is… of course I read something yesterday saying fructose impairs memory but its never about just one little nitty-gritty detail.)  And I bet this run-around with food has just as much to do with boredom.  I mean seriously I am not the most ambitious person but sometimes it feels as if I should – or could – be doing more.  Instead of applying this knowledge to my whole life – my default mechanism is food, a tangible start.  Its also about patience, I’ve never been the most patient person, as soon as I get in a funk there’s a tendency to catastrophise – What’s wrong with my life?  In truth, there’s nothing wrong, its just my personality telling me I want more and as long as you have plans for this more – its all set.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting more,  it’s just how you approach it.  Sometimes too, its difficult.  Difficult when you have family member pulling you one way – feeling stuck in the middle… Ahh!!!-  and others suggesting a different direction.  Sometimes it feels like you need space but perhaps a more suitable addition could be of needing patience.


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