Well, it's not much of an update.  I'm still alive… Yay me.

Because my horoscope for today (Tuesday, May 27th, I pasted it to the bottom of this blog if you care to read it…) I wanted to log in and reply to all the supportive comments I've received since posting my last sad, depressing blog. 

I want to reply tonight, but I'm starting to lose focus, and energy… so I will be catching back up tomorrow.  Catching up with those who've been so kind as to leave me such beautiful messages of love and support, and those friends I've just not been around for lately. 

I've learned a few things from last week's experience.  First, I need to fix my resume, again.  Because when a temp agency rep has the nerve to tell me I don't have any office experience… something is just plain wrong.  I worked in an office setting for over three years, and helped change the way it was run so it would be more efficient there.  I helped organize and create databases and a filing system, and completely changed the way things were done as far as their donations coordination bullshit went.  I have worked on computers since I was a fifth grader.  My typing skills are excellent.  I pick up different programs very quickly and I've got alot of information in my head about how to research in an efficient way that most people seem not to know how to do. 

I'm fucking brilliant…. and I know that sounds cocky… but damnit… I am.  I need to not get stuck taking on a job at McDonalds just because two people read my resume incorrectly because I didn't type it up good enough… and because I didn't have my thoughts arranged correctly to tell them precisely what sort of setting I was in.  My fault.  I take full blame for fucking up. 

I need to update my resume and just try again. 

I'm a fuckup and a disappointment to myself in alot of ways… but I'll be damned if I'm going to let someone who talks to me on the phone for two minutes after glancing at my resume and deciding I'm not worth their time.  Fuck them.  I'll find someplace better.

So… fuck it.  I'm going to get a job. 

I'm dealing with alot of bullshit the last week. The job front is just a small part of it.  I've been sick since last Wednesday.  Partially because it's just that time of the month… and I'm sorry I had to tell everyone here, but if I leave it out I look like a silly pathetic liar.  But I've been sick with something else too.  My digestive system is out of wack and it's driving me batty.  I'm losing more sleep than normal, and eating much of anything just ends up sucking.  So I go without food, or I eat and suffer.  I suffer either way… and that just isn't fair.

I'm tired of this constant feeling of being sick.  Headaches, stomachaches, backaches… Everything fucking hurts and it isn't fair.  And I'm growing very weary of everyone, specifically my family, telling me if I just get out there and if I just fix my sleep schedule… I'll feel much better.  My sleep schedule is completely fucked up… If I could just go to sleep… I would.  If it was just going out and getting fresh air and exercising… I would… I've been trying walking at the park… but when it comes to people telling me that I should run out and get a job and that will help put me to bed at night, and all the other stuff will come with it… No.  Fuck that.  I don't feel good.  Who thinks like that?  It's like when people tell you when you have your period to go exercise….  It will help the cramping and fatigue.  Guess what..?  When I'm feeling like shit… all I want to do is sleep. 

Another thing, different reason why life is a suck hole.

The guy I've been talking to on the phone.  Why is it that he wants to know me?  Why does he tell me that he wants to make me a better person and he wants me to learn how to make decisions and be powerful?  Why does he stick around and want to help me when he's not really around…?  Good grief.  He tells me he wants me in his life… that he sees all of these good things in me and he wants to prove that I'm worth something.  I get really pissed off by the time Friday comes and he can't talk to me on the weekends.  It makes me feel like a clingy twit.  It's all very complicated.  But I guess what I want to know is why if he wants to be in my life… he doesn't figure out some way to keep in touch even those days that he isn't working.  Why two or three days has to pass without one single text message to my cell or email when I know for damn sure he can text from his home.  No internet access, and his cell has limited reception… but it sure as shit works the mornings his kids and wife are out of the house and he wants to talk. 

Wow… that sounded horrible of me.  And I recognize how fucked up it is to want attention when he's with his family… I shouldn't chase married men, blah blah blah… I know this.  But he keeps telling me things that make me believe if I showed up in Ohio tomorrow… he would sort it out. 

Fucked up, right?  I need to go to bed.  I'm just getting angrier and angrier as I type this.  At least my intentions with writing this in the first place were good.  I really did intend to just leave it about the job stuff.  I really need to learn how to stop babbling…. or at least how to censor… or edit it down some. 

If anyone gets all the way through this… thanks for reading all my bullshit.  and again, to those who've been so good to me… I'll be getting back to you later today during the daylight hours.  I really do apperciate all the kindness people show me here.  I don't know where I would be… or rather where my mind would be had I not found this site last year.