My first blog entry.  1:11 A.M.  It's sticky hot out.  I am looking at the clutter in front of me.  This desktop.  Premium Mix nuts from CVS – I only ever eat the pecans.  I should just get a bag of pecans and not waste all the other nuts like this.

A No Caffeine bottle of Sierra Mist, emptied as of two minutes ago.  Two mugs, one empty, the other filled halfway with said soda.  Empty dishes, one fork, one spoon and one ivory bowl placed on top of the dishes.

Classifieds from The Washington Post – my fingers imprinted with its ink.  Car keys, lighter, one lousy pack of Marlboro Lights, phone – much smudged and needing a good cleaning. 

Where do the hours go?

How indulgent I am in wasting this perfectly good day with mind blowing misery and utter sadness over things no longer retrievable or reversible. 

All the brooders never made it.  But what exactly does that mean?  That I am my own worst enemy?  That I love inflicting pain upon myself.  Yes, I have been called overdramatic, too sensitive, too serious, too whatever. 

1:18 A.M.  I feel stale.  The air outside is barely stirring.  I've got a tower fan right next to me, going on full blast.  I have never cared much for summer heat.

My heart feels empty and yet, filled with so much I can hardly stand it.  Literally.  Do you know?  Do you feel?  This kind of unnecessary yearning and deep, deep dissatisfaction. 

I want to go somewhere fast and lonely and crowded and bright and all these emotions come rushing at me without warning.  I am fearing far too much. 

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