Hello, I am a 15 year old girl who is dealing with bipolar disorder and this is my story.
It when I was very young, barely in grade school, my siblings- my older sister in particular- would exclude me from their conversations and make fun of my overemotional reactions. My parents would join in also, which forced me to accept it and laugh as well. Being emotionally degraded like that at such a young age didn’t make me feel normal and I was, and still am, constantly worried that I am being too much in terms of emotions.
When I started grade school, I didn’t have any friends and I wouldn’t have any form of social interaction with my classmates. I would often eat by myself and mind my own business. The kids weren’t very nice to me, to say the least. They made fun of my weight, my glasses and every physical aspect I had. I’ve tried to tell a teacher, but their reaction to it was to just ‘ignore their comments’, ‘try to exercise’, and ‘get over it’. That fueled my insecurities with my emotions and my physical appearance.
Then, my parents transferred me to an all-girls school when I was 10 years old. At first, I found it odd to be surrounded by girls 5 days a week. My sister told me, privately, that I would turn gay after a couple of weeks in school. Turns out she was right, but not entirely. I’ve had small crushes on my classmates for the whole school year, but I didn’t tell anyone besides my best friends. I would come out to them as bisexual after a few years where I would make sure that I was attracted not only to physical aspects but also personality wise.
Even if I wasn’t viewed as a normal person, I managed to get close friends of my age who are still my best friends today. They helped me through my massive emotional breakdowns about school or my family, and comfort me when I needed it the most. But even with their help, it seemed as if I couldn’t escape the judgmental stares and whispers to my physical appearance and my emotional outbursts.
With all of my bottled up frustration, depression, unworthiness, and anxieties for a whole 8 or more years, I finally couldn’t take it and almost broke down last year. I was hysterical. I felt like I had no purpose in life; I didn’t do my work at school and at home; I had a crisis where I could run away right there and then, and nobody would care to find me.
Thankfully, I was aware that I shouldn’t be thinking of these kinds of things and I had friends who would advice me to tell my parents about what I was feeling and thinking. So, the first thing I did was research about mental health and a possible diagnosis for me. When I came up with a solid list of possibilities, I nervously and anxiously told my mother about it. She disregarded it immediately, and told me it was because of school that I was feeling like this. But even with this reaction, I was persistent on getting professional help to determine if there was truly something wrong with me or it was ‘just school’.
For a few months, I was being evaluated by a trained psychologist and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder I with depression and a psychotic disorder. I would eventually be prescribed with mood stabalizers and anti-depressants.
My parents and siblings couldn’t wrap their head about this and continued on degrading my emotions while keeping up a front that they were ‘aware’ of my mental state and ‘helped’ me through it. Honestly, I don’t give a damn that they aren’t doing anything to help me besides fund my therapy sessions and buy my medications. I am more pissed that they won’t accept that I am not mentally stable and continue on feeding my depression and anxiety.
I am writing this blog because I want to be able to come to terms with my condition and accept who I am while potentially meeting other kids my age who are experiencing the same thing as I am. Thank you for taking the time to read this and hopefully you can relate to my situation.