I’m writing this because I need to shear. And to be honest after reading the last few blogs I think I’ll throw my 2 cents in. First, while on my way to my sponsor’s house for our weekly meeting to do some work on our self’s I got a call from one of my closest friends also in recovery (another blessing). He told me that one of our friends jumped off a bridge to his death Tuesday night. His name was Steve M. He was 23 years old and had a couple years clean. He had a good family to support him. A good sponsor. He was very active and always reached out to others. So I ask myself WHY. I spoke to his sponsor last night and tried to give him some comfort because he needed it. He was talking to Steve 30 minutes before he jumped. He knew that something was not right but Steve said he would be fine. I guess the pain that he was in was just too much and he could not talk about it. If I’ve learned anything in recovery I’ve learned that sharing my pain, confusion, fear, apprehension as well as joy, gratitude, faith and hope are one of the biggest reasons why this works. I guess Steve felt he could not do this. Maybe he felt that no one would understand. I’ve been there too. I was telling my wife that I could not imagine how his family felt. My wife didn’t say anything and I wondered why. She is a very compassionate person. It then hit me. I never really told her how much I regret trying to take my life before I got clean again. Step 9 oportunity. I took it. People who have known me my whole life and in the many years I had clean could not believe it. The problem was that I picked up after 8 years. By the time I got clean I had been to detox many time and also some phyic wards.

My last stay was for over 2 months. I was diagnosed as having chronic depression and put on meds. After being clean for a few months the light came on again. You know my spirit. I knew that my depression was because my life SUCKED. No big surprise I was deep in active addition again. Anyway with the help of my doctor I got off the meds for depression and have not had a depressed a day since. Sad, angry, frustrated, yes depressed no. PLEASE DO NOT get this twisted. I understand depression very well today and those of us that truly have it should be on meds if it will keep you safe. And do not let anyone tell you you’re not clean. This is getting long so I’ll get to my point. When we discourage each other with very harsh words, what spiritual principal are we showing? I get the tough love thing I came in to NA back in 87. But there is a difference between trying to guide someone down the right path and chasing them away with words that come out of anger and self-righteousness. Having many years clean IS NOT a prerequisite to having compassion. I’ll end with this. If you can’t help someone – don’t hurt them. If you do something nice for someone and then tell anyone about it – it doesn’t count. When we share our trials that we’ve been through in life weather they be physical, emotional financial or spiritual and we do it as to say – LOOK AT ME!, we do it with ego, not with encouragemant or inspiration. In NA, we read that with spiritual principals like Honesty, open-mindedness and willingness we are well on our way. But if these are not followed with the others like, kindness, forgiveness, tolerance, patients, empathy, compassion, selflessness, humility and perseverance we sell our self short. TO ALL THOSE WHO ARE STRUGGLING I SAY WHAT THEY TOLD ME – KEEP COMING BACK – WE WILL LOVE YOU UNTIL YOU CAN LOVE YOUR SELF.               

1 Comment
  1. hellbent73 14 years ago

    I’m so sorry to hear about your friend.

    But I am so glad you are here…. I think you are an amazing example of true recovery

    0 kudos

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