I HAVE A NEW FRIEND THAT REMINDED ME OF THE DAYS WHEN I WAS IN ACTIVE ADDICTION…..AND EARLY RECOVERY. IT WAS A STARTLING REALIZATION THAT AFTER I HAD MADE THE INITIAL DECISION TO QUIT THAT OLD LIFE AND EMBARK ON THIS NEW JOURNEY, THAT I DIDN'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF. ALL MY "OLD" FRIENDS WERE ACTIVE, EVERYTHING I USED TO DO INVOLVED DRUGS AND DRINKING…. SO NOW I WAS "STUCK" AS WE SOMETIMES SAY LOL. NOW WHAT??? THE OLD ME ISOLATED ALOT WITH MY BOOZE AND MY SUBSTANCE OF CHOICE……LEAVE ME ALONE……..I DON'T WANT YOU AROUND……GRRRRRRRR…..DROVE EVERYONE OFF THAT DIDN'T HAVE SOMETHING I WANTED. BESIDES, THEY JUST WANTED MY STUFF……MY MONEY, MY DRUGS, ETC. LESS FOR ME….FREE FOR THEM……..GRRRRRRRR ….GET AWAY FROM ME! IN ISOLATION I WAS MY OWN WORST ENEMY……REALLY BEAT MYSELF UP EVERYTIME I RAN OUT, AND I RAN OUT ALOT. THROW IN A GOOD DOSE OF SEVERE DEPRESSION AND NO DESIRE TO GET OUT IN THE WORLD (IT WASNT SAFE, I DIDNT FIT IN) AND THERE YOU WOULD FIND ME. ISOLATION WAS MY FRIEND/ENEMY…….I WOULD GEEK AND PEEK LOL….REMEMBER THAT?

EARLY RECOVERY BROUGHT A NEW LIFE….NEW FEARS….AND A NEW KIND OF ISOLATION. I ISOLATED AT HOME, AT WORK, AND YES….EVEN AT MEETINGS. STILL DIDNT FIT IN. THE THING IS THAT THIS FEELING DIDN'T LAST LONG….PEOPLE KEPT REACHING OUT TO ME….AND NOT FOR WHAT I HAD, HECK I DIDN'T "HAVE" ANYTHING ANYWAY. THEY REACHED OUT WITH THEIR LOVE, EXPERIENCE, HOPE, AND WOULD FOREVER BE COMING BY TO TAKE ME SOMEWHERE "THEY" NEEDED HELP LOL. USUALLY THE HELP WAS A CUP OF COFFEE AND TALKING ABOUT ME. I STILL ISOLATED BUT THAT CHANGED TOO…..INTO MEDITATION. I WAS TOLD ONE TIME THAT MOST PEOPLE ARE UNCOMFORTABLE BEING ALONE, BECAUSE AT THAT POINT IN TIME…..WITH NO ONE AROUND…..THAT IS THE TIME WE ARE ALONE AND CLOSEST TO OUR GOD OR HP. YOU ALL TAUGHT ME TO PRAY….THEN TO WAIT FOR THE ANSWER (MEDITATION). WITH THIS GRADUAL PROCESS, AND IT WAS SLOOOOOOW MIND YOU, I LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT BEING ALONE WITH MYSELF ……WITH STUDY I LEARNED ACCEPTANCE. ONE OF THE GREATEST GIFTS I FOUND , WHILE "ISOLATING." I FOUND A NEW FRIEND, ACTUALLY TWO FRIENDS.

I WALKED OUT OF ISOLATION FIRST BY RENAMING THE BEHAVIOR, MEDITATION….NOT ISOLATION. THE FIRST "FRIEND" I MET THERE WAS MY HP THAT I CALL GOD. I DIDN'T THINK HE WAS AROUND FOR AWHILE, BUT HE FINALLY SHOWED UP LOL (LIKE HE HAD GONE ANYWHERE, RIGHT?) I DIDN'T FIND RELIGION BUT SOMETHING CALLED SPIRITUALITY, WHICH TO ME IS AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HP.

THE SECOND FRIEND I MET THERE WAS ME. YES I FOUND ME, IN THE SAME PLACE…ALONE….BUT IT BECAME DIFFERENT. NO LONGER DID I "GEEK" OR FEAR BEING ALONE ……NO LONGER DID I EVEN QUESTION WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF LOL. MY HP HAD ACTUALLY ARRANGED SOME ALONE TIME FOR US TO HAVE SOME TIME TOGETHER. WOW! JUST FOR ME AND HIM…NO ONE ELSE…AS LONG AS I CHOSE. NOW THAT I HAD A CHOICE….NOW THAT I CALLED IT "MEDITATION," I WASN'T ISOLATING ANYMORE. SOMETIMES ITS JUST A MATTER OF HOW I PERCIEVE THINGS, YA KNOW? I'M STILL LEARNING TO LOOK AT THINGS DIFFERENT, SOMETIMES I'M NOT AS SUCCESSFUL AS I WOULD CHOSE…………..BUT THIS IS A JOURNEY…..WITH YOU MY FRIENDS…….WITH ME (MY NEW FRIEND)…….AND WITH THE HP THAT KEPT ME SAFE ALLLLLLL THESE YEARS.

THANKS FOR LETTING ME SHARE………LUVYA…..MARK

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