Being in a sh*tty place really helps convey who’s got your back, at any given time. Jordan has been absent, and too caught up in his own stuff (Mags lowered the "let’s just be platonic boom last night – she said he took it well, but I am sure he is hurting. He really digs her.) to really hang out. Mags is busy, but she has been coming around to see me, periodically. She’s a good friend. Maria is still in the wind.
Ace is a great friend, who I really believe saved my life. I was so lost that I didn’t see any way out, other than to off myself. I could not keep hiding behind the heroin, and I was so miserable – my madness had gotten so out of hand, and cost me so much. He came along, and saw things in me that I didn’t think were still there. But, he had just met me, so, if he could see these qualities, I knew they still had to be there. Our friendship runs really deep – it’s an unusual connection. I had never made a close friend on the net before I met him. DT was my first foray into social networking (none of that Facebook, or Myspace, or yourspace, or whatever the f@ck – I just wasn’t about it). It seemed a little more purposeful to me, so I felt like I could get behind it. I did not know it would end up helping me as much as it has. Meeting Ace made all the difference. He has talked me through some really hard times. He made me want to try. I never would have believed that someone could talk me through the kick, but he did it. I cared so much, so quickly – I couldn’t break my word to him.
And, I still can’t. He’s going through a lot, right now. I am trying to be there. My abilities are limited because I am a mess myself, lately.
The thing is, I have never known anyone quite like Ace. He’s a really remarkable person.
I could not have done all of this without him. I never would have made it this far. And, I will always be grateful to him, for the difference he has made in my life. So much more is possible now. As scary and overwhelming as the world seems to me, right now, I really want to believe it will all be okay. I know it could all work out, in some way or another. (My life…) But, I don’t know how it should look, or where it should be – I only know that I feel far behind, like I wasted so much time, getting smacked up, that years just sailed by, and now I am 28, and I don’t know where I am supposed to be, anymore.