I have a problem with my mood swings. You see I get sad whenever something that would trigger my depression happens. I get jealous when it comes to relationship things even though I'm in a serious relationship that may lead to marriage. I've always been like this. Get jealous and depressed at other people even though I have the things. I don't know why. My friend told me that if I don't fulfill my own happiness, I'd keep wanting more. He's right. I tend to ask for reassurance a lot. If I don't, I start to feel really depressed and sometimes even cry.

 

As for the jealously, whenever I see jewelry or rings or wedding stuff, I get depressed. That's what I mean by triggers also. Because my boyfriend used to be engaged to his ex and I feel like it'll never happen to me. Realistically, that's obviously not true. Also because he said he'll want to propose to me next year after we move in together, but I still get jealous nevertheless. What the hell is wrong with me. Anyways, me and my boyfriend are in a pretty good and loving relationship now despite all the stupid nit picking fights we had. They're nothing major; they only become it when I end up asking for reassurance and it turns into a long conversation. My boyfriend hates it. I hate it too, but it's hard for me to stop. I'm trying to control it now and it's getting a lot better.

 

As for the commitment part, I have a problem sticking to my goals and plans. Things don't go as planned as I want them to and I really want to, but it never works out. Maybe it's because I'm not 100% sure about the plan(s) I make so I guess I never stick to it, but still I want to make plans that I can actually stick to and succeed for once. I succeed spontaneously, but I think it's like that for a lot of people so it's not unusual. The only plans/goals I succeeded was shedding a few pounds and my mom rewarding me for it. I guess small plans I'm fine I'm fine with completing, but I want to conquer bigger goals for once. I guess I'm just afraid I might fail again so that's why I get low self-esteem about it. Me and my boyfriend have plans for next year which are: moving out together in the summer, me volunteering or getting a job before or after I move out while I go to school, and him working full time. When everything gets settled in and everything for a couple of months, he'll want to propose to me because he tells me I'm the love of his love and that he wants to make it to marriage. He's counting on me too as he's doing his part and that takes two to hold the relationship together which I'm trying my best. I love him. Sounds amazing that he wants to be with me for a lifetime. I just hope this all work out. I really want it to and I'm doing my part right now to get there. I just worry because I've planned on moving out before, but it never worked. It also didn't help that I didn't stick to it either, but it's so hard at the same time. However, this time I'm sticking to it, but know that it's hard to get confidence in it because of past failings. I know I can do it, but there will be tough obstacles. First of all finances. I hope I have enough finances to move out next year. I looked for apartments and there are some affordable nice ones in a very low crime area which is extremely important to me. Second, such as getting a job and going to school at the same time, but I shouldn't have much of a problem for that. The only thing I'll be scared in getting a job is due to my anxiety and sensitivity, but I've grown a tougher skin from my boyfriend and family. After being with my boyfriend, I've gotten a better backbone and I thank him for that. And also getting a job is hard to get one in the first place already because of the economy. My boyfriend said if I can't get a job, he'll still move in with me but I gotta do volunteer work. He just wants to see if I can so some kind of work and be reliable when it comes to real working so I can help pay the rent. This is reasonable. I have money to move out if I wanted to, but it will be tight because it's SSI money and they don't give as much as regular paying jobs do. Anyways my boyfriend keeps reassuring me that we can make it and it makes me feel better to hear it. I'm going to commit myself to this. I really, really want it to work. I'm very committed to my boyfriend; I just wish I could say the same for certain things, but I AM going to do this and I believe I can. Just need confidence.

 

Thank you for reading.

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