By the way I had hundreds of blogs here but deleted them and regret it, maybe they on Google cache or something…

• Prioritise! Your souls to do list in the direction of survival until its all you think about in the background and your even automatically making steps toward that survival. This could be people you need to see versus people you really don’t because those ones are just there for a good time whereas the people you need to see now, you need to rescue yourself.

• If you can’t get lost in something, it is probably because you are not meant to be distracting yourself but keeping your ears pricked for and on focus to the exit of this mental mess you are in now. This exit might be synergy with certain people in a certain order who bridge you to where you need to get to while remaining loyal to all those people. Loyalty is so impotent. Remember the ones who got you there a long time ago! You ARE allowed to contact them you know. be careful with losing yourself in an adventure, you should have grounding first and be a pro at your given name first.

• Be your own best friend while you have no contact with friends right now, or not the right friends. This means being on your own team and being a plus sign/ and extension of your life rather than a minus sign that is eating away at every time you make progress and scrutinise your little miraculous achievements, considering your mental health or whatever brought you to this website. You don’t have to wash your hair if you don’t want to, just use dry shampoo or talc and have a bath with your hair up, take your duvet on the couch, lie on a hot water bottle to help you feel sleepy, write a dear diary being as selfish as possible and complaining about the world and also write how horrible it would be without a miracle like you in it. Buy all those things you really want instead of saving. Buy one of those things as a present for everyone, you know they want one! However make sure you don’t see that person you really shouldnt see because it doesn’t work that way with your Connections with other people…

• This is one of the most useful and dangerously overlooked things I have learned in 2020: revise your friends list over and over again, every day. You have to think of everyone you’ve ever met, not forgetting anybody. The first test is… Do I trust them? If yes then add them to the go for it list, write this list down, ask how honest each one is and how much each one has helped you, not pretended to try to help you and which ones are honest and which ones, when you go through that whole list of go for its, you just want more than the others?. Time is usually the best indicator for this one. Even if you think they checked all the right boxes, if you don’t want them then be true to yourself and continue not wanting them, it’s not an exchange for material items but an exchange of love and also the future of your survival.

I am stuck, trapped alone temporarily because of my autism making it impossible for me to link in to the people who could get me to the people I want. I have had depression since I was little and anxiety also which worsened a lot when I went through a traumatic change. My mental illness, however, is completely appropriate to the situation I am in, us, being at the risk of gang rape and the like. Sometimes I feel like the walls are safe but some of the walls aren’t. I can’t do anything other than lie on my bed all day, agitated and waiting for years for me to find the exit. I tried learning maths again and actually could just not make my brain work to do it like I could in school. I try talking to anyone but they only ask, never feed. I fear succeeding. I know I’m trapped from arguing with them. I should just be within the network.