It’s happening all over again. I thought High school would be different but nope, it’s worse.

I’m not talking about the social aspect either, no, I’ve got that covered. I’ve got some friends, none really that close, but I’ve got friends. No bullies, I’d like to see someone try and bully me.

I may seen friendly and kinda shy around people I don’t know, but I can turn into the cold bratty bitch I was in 6th and some of 7th grade in a heartbeat.

But no, I’m not scared of rumours or people, no, it’s the actual academic part that stresses me.

I’ve got awful anxiety when it comes to my grades. I’m so paranoid and scared it’s pathetic.

I’m a 90’s grade student, known as “The Smart Kid” but anything below 90 is a fail to me. Even 90’s I don’t really like.

I get so scared before tests. I’ll panic. Not visibly, but internally I’ll freak out.

It’s getting so bad to the point where it’s starting to hurt my grade. And it doesn’t help that I think my ADHD is flaring up again.

I was diagnosed when I was younger, but stopped counseling because they thought I was doing better. But I’d faked it due to family issues.

But yeah, I’ve been piled with assignments from my classes due next week, but I can’t focus. I don’t want to sit still, and my attention keeps getting dragged away.

Plus my aunt has been nagging me about how I haven’t been helping out as much as I used to, basically calling me lazy. Which has been seriously messing with my head.

A lot of things have been dragging my mental health down, which isn’t helping me with my grades and my schoolwork.

I feel like I don’t get breaks, due to schoolwork and chores, and I don’t have my own private place to hide in to relax. I basically live with my grandma and don’t have my own room while my brother and cousin do. Hell, my brother even uses the attic as his own study/workout room.

Before you even say anything, no, the attic cannot be turned into a room. There’s no window’s and it stinks.

There’s an office, but they wouldn’t allow me to use it as a room, the dressers have to go somewhere and so does the computer that no one uses. It’s even more annoying that they have a bed in there.

I’m so tired of them thinking that I should be okay with my business out for everyone to see. I just want a little spot to call my own. I don’t care if it’s the damn closet. I just want my own space.

I want to be allowed some privacy. Is that too much to ask?

I sleep in a chair in the living room, which really isn’t that bad.

But seriously, it’s not just teenage boys that need their own space. I do too.

I can I understand that I started staying here to help out so my trip can be paid, but now that I basically live here, shouldn’t I be allowed at least two straight hours a day to myself? By myself?

Is that selfish?

Am I selfish? Am I lazy because I’m tired? Useless because I can’t seem to bring myself to help out more? Stupid because I over react when is comes to school? Annoying because you always have to repeat yourself for me to hear? Unreliable and irresponsible because I have bad memory and forgot to do this and that?

Am I worthless? Do I deserve to survive?

I’m so tired of “surviving”. I’ve done nothing but survive my whole life.

And it’s taken it’s toll. I’m so fucked up mentally and so confused. I’m always self doubting and questioning everything. My minds always racing.

I’m so lonely I fucking named my subconscious. That little voice in my head? Yeah, I fucking named it.

I always feel so alone and like no one understands me or knows me or even really knows who I am. No one knows my full story. No one wants to sit and listen to my life.

And I don’t blame them. I really don’t. It’s so messed up and confusing.

My life is so much worse than a messed up drama show.

I want to write an autobiography, but who would read it?

I know I got off track, but I have a lot of emotions and rants I’ve kept down for so long, and now that I’ve been slowly starting to let them out in blogs and to Tribe friends, they all want out. I’ve carried them for so long, I want someone to be willing to listen, and help me. Be there for me when I need them.

I’m tired of taking care of everybody. I just want someone to take care of me.

I’ve been trying to be open with people, but I have such bad trust issues. It feels wrong for someone that I take care of to take care of me. I hate relying on people because people in my family relied, and still do rely, on me too much. The people on this website are going through issues themselves, they don’t need mine as well.

But I want to help, and I know you can’t ask for trust without giving some away a little too well.

So, I try to be open, but I hate feeling exposed and weak. That’s how I feel almost all the time now, and it’s horrible.

Nowhere to hide, nowhere to go, nowhere to belong.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg. You haven’t heard anything from me yet.

2 Comments
  1. deadsoulx 6 months ago

    omg i can totally relate!!! its just like people are expecting so much but there is this ‘something’ that you want and you never get that!!

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  2. aquazium 6 months ago

    Hey there,
    Wow that is a big mess. I’m so sorry you have to deal with all that. Yes, you deserve to survive, you deserve to be happy, to have your own space. Thank you for being vulnerable with us and sharing. It’s going to be okay. You’re strong, you’re brave, and you deserve all the love and happiness in the world. I hope that you will find some close friends, that your family will be more kind and respectful to you, and that you’ll find your purpose in life. You can do this;)

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