Not that it ever leaves but you know what I mean. Of course it always tends to get worse at the most inopportune times. It’s been a crazy year so far. Surgery in Jan, forced to go to school to get retrained because I’ve been on unemployment since last June. Issues with family kids and boyfriend. Now I am going to start a new job and I’m just not mentally ready. The anxiety is killing me I don’t know how I’m going to make it through. I have had a real job since 2003. Well I mean I’ve been at very flexible jobs I should say. Now I will be in an office again. Confined to a damp desk answering hundred of calls a day. Not able to move about freely or at will. My supervisor said that every minute is going to be accounted for. So they will be timing me on the number of times I get up. I have a week bladder so that not gonna be a good thing. I hate feeling controlled and like I can’t do things. The job pays well and excellent zbenefits but is it worth this anxiety? At this point I have to sick it up because I’m the main bread winner. Something my eldest son and bf don’t seem to get that takes a big toll on me. Earlier today I was driving and felt so completely numb. My younger son has a dr. Apps. On Friday and I had to reschedule it because they told me last minute that I have orientation that day. I also had an apt and had to reschedule as well. I asked my son’s dad if he could take him and he said no. I asked my bf and he had a fit because he said I told him at the last minute. I’ve been telling him for weeks that he needs to make changes to his work schedule to accommodate my schedule and be here for my youngest son. Of course he never listens to me. He is stuck on his phone playing video games and charting with who knows who. I don’t mind that he plays but when he gets mad that I interrupt him or he spends hours outside playing this game then I do have a problem. He has even stayed up late nights to play this game. And also set alarms to get up in the middle of the night to play went certain things are going on. When I ask him to stay up with me to spend time he’s too tired. I am on the verge of kicking him and my eldest son out. I don’t need this aggrevation. I am so dissapointed that the 2 people I should be able to depend on are not dependable. I feel so alone in a house full of people. I need help and ask for it but I get none. I just want to cry. I can even recover from surgery because there is always something to be done. I’ve had 2 surgeries in a year and have not been able to rest. I don’t sleep I am always doing things for everyone and myself. I was hoping to have this week to just chill before I start work but once again that’s not possible. I have to go check in at school for unemployment purposes. Which sucks but if I don’t do that I can’t get paid. But I digress… I did some sorting and shredding of old documents this weekend and made a big mess in the process. No big deal. This morning I intended to vaccum my paper shreds but had a dr. Appoint then school. I asked my bf if he could do it and put some clothes in the dryer that I had put to wash. Well I get home and none of it has been done. He was once again outside. We had a pile of dishes which he said he would take care of as well. It’s still in the sink. He knew I was gonna start prepping and cooking for dinner when I got home. I asked him if he planned to stay outside all day. He said no but proceeded to stay out there for another 2 hours. I am just at my wits end. This isn’t the first time he has done this to me. If I don’t have time to finish certain chores I ask him if he can and says sire baby. I just don’t want him in my house anymore. I feel like he’s just not doing anything to be present in this partnership. It’s not only the help with household stuff we aren’t even close anymore. We don’t sleep in the same room or are even intimate on any level. This is nothing new of course. I just couldn’t do anything because he was helping financially. Now he’s barely doing that. I don’t want to be someone because I need them to help me financially and that’s why I’m afraid to kick them out. I hate feeling trapped. I feel like an asshole for seeming so needy and demanding but fuck man. I want some fucking respect. I sound like Rodney Dangerfield. Will my life ever be balanced. Seems like I’m destined to be miserable in all aspects of my life. ='( I’m just venting. I hope with this new job I can make some much needed changes in my life. Wish me luck.


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